How Duran Duran saved my life & Other Stories

I loathe exercise for exercise sake.

Have I mentioned this? I am sure you have noticed...it is not my thing.

Let me tell you a story about my life and Duran Duran.

Duran Duran saved my life.

Now I am sure you are thinking, "Fat Diva? how is that possible? Do you even know them?Met them? How can a 32 year old pop rock band from Birmingham , England have saved your life? Come on now...you're being ridiculous!"


well, dearest reader, maybe I am. ...ridiculous......shit ...we are ALL  ridiculous, so allow me to be so in my own ri-DIC-ulous way...

I discovered the Fab Five in the wee summer days of 1981...and then went to 4-H camp (like you do) and met one of my lifelong besties Ms WhiskeyMarie..and she TOO loved the DD Squared ...so..along with listening to their music, drooling over every Teen Beat,SMASH, Tiger Beat, etc  magazine of them we could get our hands on...oh! and every video, we are obsessed. We even celebrated the guys birthdays together...thousands of hours of dancing to their tunes and we had every intention to someday meet them, they would then fall madly in love with us (me=John Taylor, WhiskeyMarie= Roger, her sister = Nick..and we all wanted Simon too...Andy...Andy is just...Andy...) and then we all get married...yeah...cuz it was TOTALLY possible in our brains...go dreaming! We even convinced our mothers to drive us 3 hours from Northern MN to the Twin Cities to see the Seven And The Ragged Tiger concert at the Roy Wilkins Arena when we were barely freshman in high school...good times those were...(sigh)

At this time in the Fat Diva lifepath, I was starting to go from gawky teen, all legs and these new boobs....having been thin as a rail my whole life thus far...to starting to "fill out" in places, and gain weight as I had grown so fast between 7th & 8th grade..9 inches in 13 months...very painful...very hard as a teenager to deal with the public bullying and mean-ness of children at that age...it was a physical and emotionally tumultuous time...AND ... my parents marriage had also started to fall apart (great timing there, Universe) Hence... my gut reaction was to "keep everything and everyone together by sheer force of will"

so naturally.....food and music... became my dearest confidants.

I would lay in bed at night, listening to my cassette player...my precious Duran Duran albums...memorizing every bass line, every lyric, every synth pad, and drum fill...and often would just get up in the middle of the night as my body vibrated...to dance like a crazy child all over my bedroom..as quietly as I could living upstairs in an old farm house..and imaginaning a glamorus world of being a pop star...how I wanted that so badly.

It was in these nocturnal rampages of the mind and body, that I chose to follow the path of being a musician...somehow.

As I was quietly dealing with the dissolving of my parents relationship, my brothers deepening sadness and anger locking him away from me,preparing for college and "what are you doing with your life?" questions bombarding me from everywhere,staying on honor roll, involved in every extra curricular activity that did not require having a penis, I kept the feeling of my secret plan deep inside and clung to it as my Senior Year approached.

circa 1986: The band was growing apart..like my parents...and I was devastated that I was losing everything. My body was not what I hoped it to be, boys were friends with me, but I was clearly not fuckable..oh!...but my best friends were...."could you set me up with so and so? Sorry you have loved me since 4th grade...not interested".....tragic in a DeGrassi Junior High way, isn't it? (tho truth be told, I was not a sexually motivated teen..I was more about the idealism of romance and what relationships are SUPPOSE to be...according to my Harlequin Romance books and the glossy magazines...sex was too messy and who could even understand where things went and why? Not like kids today...but that is another topic.)

So my self identity and connection to my physical body were eroding at this age. I was active in 3 sports a year, was CONSTANTLY working out in some fashion with volleyball, basketball, and track...yet my body just kept moving to "thicker" and the stamina was not ever "coming to fruition". It was a no win situation of utter hopelessness and grief for me...

WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH ME? I asked every freekin' day....seriously

I have since learned a LOT about hormonal imbalance ,stress, DNA, etc and it's toll on the meat suit...

There was never a time that  I thought "This is it! I do not want to be here anymore...screw this place, I am out of here" But ...there was a lot of deep sadness.

I remember once, at about 16 years of age...being curled up as best I could be in the front doorway of our house, which is now a closet (lol) and sobbing like a child. My Dad found me and asked what I was crying about...I told him that I was "too tall to live" and everyone called me things like "moose" and "freak" and I just did not want to go back to school (which BTW I was a kid who LOVED school) His response was "well...., we could just cut your legs off...and then it will be resolved." Imagine my hurt shocked teenage face as I said " well, THAT'S ridiculous!" and Dad said.."Exactly" and left me there to think about it...

Go Germanic practicality....blargh

So I started to wear my Duran Duran love like armor. Many friends from high school, or even non friends, all think of me when they hear Duran Duran anything..so they have told me over the years...because my identification with this band was so strong.

They were (and are) mysterious, sensual, sexy, intelligent, talented, deep, glamorous, wild, smart,.... and all of these things were qualities of Being that I wanted to be...so I clung to them for dear life...literally.


I have recently become enamored with Duran Duran's new album "All You Need Is Now". I play it aloud and dance around my loft...which ...for over a decade...I have not danced for joy unless ambushed (see previous post on Sept trip) and I am doing this daily for the length of the album (47 minutes) which in the end...turns out to be a nice workout if I keep moving the entire time as I sing and spin around.

The fuzzy children think I am insane..but I also have realized..I have a shit ton...literal shit ton ...of music I have not listened to in ...FOREVER!...so...if I listen to my entire library ..averaging 45 min  start to finish...I find myself NOT bored...and just moving my body because it is fun...

THIS is an action I can stick with.

Not putting any expectation on this other than joy, movement, and re-acquainting myself with my CD library and getting some ME time..which is rare these days, and needs to become COMMON

yeah..."because it is fun" is a new mantra for me. I have always made fun things happen for me, for others around me, but the last decade or so..I lost that somewhere...so now...(ahem) ."I reclaim thee FUN..you are mine".

so..as I was saying....Duran Duran saved my life once...and now..they are doing it again

...no....the Fat Diva has NOT left the building....

sorry folks, integrating September into my world after returning from Seattle,WA and launching The Idisi's 3rd season took more out of me than I expected.

T'ai-Chi happened...loved it, but my back did not..so I have been S...L...O...W...L...Y... reintroducing body therapies back into my routine.

It took me many weeks of suffering before I caved and surrendered to the fact that I have a body that has to be massaged, poked, rubbed, prodded, and stretched in order to unravel all the damage from this life, and the impressions of my perceived realities of over-soul/past life stuff.

so...I finally gave in a few weeks ago. My fascia is CRABBY...it should not actually "crunch"..which it is doing....for real...crunchy...(shudder)

And...it MIGHT be that the "fallen arches" damage is false, and it is largely that my arches are that cramped ALL the time...so...we are working on unraveling...starting being the key word.

oy

so...I am here...and working on my body quietly and working hard not to rip the faces off of those around me as I process a lot of nerve and structural pain....

coming soon...let's talk about Emotional Release.....

super fun...

Be well and surrender more often...you will thank me for it.

well, that was unexpected....

Just returned from my first journey to the Pacific Northwest. (yes there will be many more)

I was blessed to be in Seattle, WA for a workshop intensive centered around the healing power of Sound.

Had the itinerary bespoke of the fact that  we would be dancing in a ballroom 4-5 times daily with 550 strangers from 20 countries and the continent of North America...I would have balked and said "screw that!"

but...I did NOT know (clever bastards) and so there I was...being offered the opportunity to break and smash through lots of "story" I have around others talking nasty about me when I shake my Fat Diva ass.

I even had more stamina than some of the "skinny" folks...and a woman wrote a song about me dancing called "Angelwings" ..because she could not move much and was able to feel the joy of movement through watching me dance...awww...

who knew?

so now...i really have ZIPPO platform for argument about dancing in public...although I am not feeling a journey to Ground Zero or First Ave anytime soon...but it is still progress...and I am proud of my taking it on.

My legs hurt, but in a good way.

Meditation and altered states of consciousness for 4-5 hours a day was INTENSE and filled with lots of stuff for me to make choices about.

Life path wise...things will be shifting...but all in all the journey was epic by all descriptions and I walked away enriched, supported, and assured that I am on my Path.

so...to summarize

more Movement
more Meditation
more Me

Movement for Movement's Sake..and other Tales of Me..

So my post-con world went a bit on the hermit-y side so been doing a lot of "in my head" work..some good, some stagnant, some not good...but all in all...my many selves had a meeting and we have all concluded :

We need an effective, interesting, fun movement plan...stat!

I am excited to say that joining the neighborhood T'ai -Chi Chuan studio is the winner.

http://tctaichi.org/

Despite being the lovely place that The Idisi recorded our "chanty-WHOO-ha" (www.theidisi.com) debut album in over 2011 Easter weekend, it is just down the street from me...(convenient) and my pal Dwarven Queen is going to join me..anyone else interested in hooking up with us?...we are starting after I return from sound healing training in Seattle post Labor Day

Sufi Ray is a wonderful person and dear friend and supporter of all things Fat Diva, as is the organization at large...(smirk) and the studio is gorgeous.

I am discovering this balance being lost issue due to fallen arches is deeper than I first realized and in getting back to teaching and doing staged combat late this coming Fall..I need a lot of work..and some epic mindset peace needs to be achieved  to accomplish what I see coming for Fat Diva in the next cycle.

Also...along with the guidance of Dwarven Queen...who is a long time 20+ year Polynesian dancer.(who knew?)....I am more determined to learn Hula in the next year than ever..and for that..my knees are wanting help first...so yeah...movement for movement's sake is what I am focusing on as opposed to "exercise" for it is a word I hate...seriously hate...and yes.."hate" is a strong term and thus I use it for this.

so we now use the term "Movement"

I am also digging deeper into my emotional attachment to food...or more recently discovered DE-tachment to food.

I am investigating the book and philosophy of Health At Every Size by Linda Bacon. I think it will be something I vibe well with. Have a few other Divas I know checking it out too who brought my attention to it.

http://www.amazon.com/Health-At-Every-Size-Surprising/dp/1935618253/ref=lh_ni_t

(and yes..that her last name is Bacon is hilarious to me..Bacon Queen..it OBVIOUSLY was a sign from Goddess to check it out)

So..there is my long last update...working more on the dancing for movement's sake as well. Thank you all for such lovely words, comments, and personal emails about your feelings about my dancing. It helped me..... a lot. Over time, hopefully now shorter because of this internal work...I will be out shaking tail like I used to.

Much love and remember ....you are awesome

Fat Diva

yay for psychic friends network skillz....

A Seattle Sutton's Healthy Eating customer who moved back to Michigan 1 yr ago stopped by today. 

She has lost over 100 lbs, her son is getting married this weekend, and she wanted to see me and thank me for the encouragement I provided for her all through her process and beyond. 

What is spooky fun? I JUST thought of her on Tuesday and wondered how she was.

 Life can be tre' cool.

 She looks amazing, did before the weight loss too...but her own self-love coming off her was brighter and she was clearly feeling her mojo.

this Seattle Sutton's Healthy Eating product  is such a great tool for people

I never go to "work" even when the store is 104 degrees and think..."I hate this job"

ok...so it is beyond hot...so forgive the absence...i am coming back online shortly

here is a recent bio i was asked to write for a website and radio show I will be on tomorrow at The Edge online

http://edgemagazine.net/edge-talk-radio/

I am on during the latter part of the show...so tune in from 6pm-7pm on Tues July 19th.


It is a show about spiritual paths and I will be discussing my journey and my womyn's chorus, The Idisi  (www.theidisi.com) as well as health and wellness.

Bio:
Dayna Jean Wolter is a womyn of vast and diverse brain cells...all which have driven her quite mad with information gathering antics and assignments. She jokingly refers to herself as the Cliff Claven of The Universe.

Dayna Jean stepped onto the stage at the precocious age of 4 by singing at her family's Wisconsin resort, and has been driven by the need to sing for millions ever since.

After grappling with the adverse and insidious programming that humans are subject to by modern media here in the Western World , she has embraced her Diva-Nature and taken her rightful place as a warrior, artist, teacher, healer, messenger, oracle, sonic priestess, and spiritual ass-kicker for the Divine Feminine and it's emergence in reclaiming Her place in this, the 5th World.

Dayna Jean is the founder and director of The Idisi, a chorus of wyld womyn who are charged with freeing womyn's voices to sing and heal , and inspiring womyn of the world to come back to the Circle and unite our energies to heal the World. www.theidisi.com .

She is also owner of Seattle Sutton's Healthy Eating of Minneapolis and owns Valkyrie Design Studio in St Paul, MN.

Her blog, Fat Diva In Motion was recently launched to assist her and others in making sense out of the madness of the irrational the pursuit of being Skinny...http://fatdivainmotion.blogspot.com/

Dayna Jean can often be found running wyld in the woods on spiritual pilgrimage with her chicas, and talking with her crow brothers and sisters...who love cheese, bacon, and pie as much as she does....but not necessarily in that order.

keeping a promise...

so in the Summer Solstice shows that I did with The Idisi in June..I made a promise to dance in public at CONvergence 2011.

did not happen as I thought it would.

i figured I would go top the Retro Dance on Thursday, dance a bit in the dark with hundreds of other geeks..and then be done..

but nooooo.

I did it on Mainstage while singing with my dearheart friend Lojo Russo....and it was lovely

no one stoned me

actually was told how beautiful it was to see me dance as the music moved through my body

so ....basically..this shit is all in  my head..and i need to just get over it.

hrrrmmm

promise kept ...promise fulfilled