Monday, November 4, 2013

Dross, Dross and more Dross

Hey dear readers...jsut a short blurb of Fat Diva's shenanegains...

I am in acute adrenal fatigue...

yep...... I figured out why I have been so least part of it...also need to give up gluten...which sucks, but have done it before...but is a process on its I am sleeping...alot

alot alot alot

 I am using the energy of this Mercury Retrograde in my Sun Sign of Scorpio to look at patterns, jettison lots of dross...did  I mention alot?

like epic shit tons of alot...epic epic epic...

so I will come up for air here and there, but know I am am kicking the stuff out that does not work..and I expect a few pounds will release as well..becasue we all know.. our emotional and mental body feeds our physical one..and all layers need a serious enema or cosmic colonic

how about you? if you do not deal with it will literally kill you..and I love you don't die...ok?

check it out..

Cosmic Path website

later peeps...get it done

Fat Diva

Friday, October 18, 2013

A Deep Field

There are so many times in my day, that I struggle to push through such dross of ennui and bullshit I have built up around is hard sometimes just trying to remember to breathe...

We all do this..our inner mind chatter is the most icky Gumdrop Swamp to overcome...we fight it.... every second....of every hour....etc.etc...

Lately..I have been suffering from acute insomnia...and have figured out I am in a state of adrenal fatigue.

It's my own fault and not asking for sympathy or anything..I have made the mess, now I am cleaning it up...but as I have been up late, I have been looking at the stars a lot.

Growing up on a farm in Northern MN, I spent an enormous amount of time gazing at the stars...and in moving to the city, there is not nearly enough sky to look at with the city lights pollution obscuring it ..

 I am reminded these late nights ...that the world we make for ourselves so, so small. We THINK that our world (s) are these big creations of epic-ness that contain the sum of all our parts..our hopes, dreams, passions, families, loves, hates, struggles, failures...and fears... mostly...lots of fears.

Many times I find myself stopping from thinking  'bigger"..and trust me ...I am a BIG BIG BIG picture person...and I wonder why I do that..... aside from being afraid.

I have written in the past about how tired I am of keeping myself smaller so others are more comfortable, and yet it is not so easy to own my "bigness"...I am working on it.. this is very deep deep work because it means taking myself down to the nub and rebuilding ...becoming  WHO I am as opposed to who I THINK I am...and that is a long transformational journey.

These it is harder to stay in the deep work...I am looking at the stars I remind myself that the 'bigness" is out there..and that the crazy things like this photo that the Hubble telescope a TINY quantum fraction of the night sky...and contains thousands of GALAXIES with in that sliver of sky...and that regardless of the fears I am facing in mastering my Epicness...that there is more than enough room in the vast cosmos to hold space for me to be as BIG as I can imagine....

so...hey..... look up at's all out there for you......and remember....that we are all made of stars....

Fat Diva

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Sadly.... not like Bull...

I used to be very strong.


I have had folks move furniture with me and freak out when I have lifted bookcases, dressers,my end of the futon/bed and they say "Whoa! Holy crap you are freakishly strong!"

Fat Diva recently got herself into a swimming pool at the end of Aug and beginning of Sept (see a fore mentioned HOT-ness in the Midwest belch of that time period)

It was great. I love to swim. Grew up on lake resort in WI and swimming a the time...I am indeed a mermaid and or whale like creature.

Once in the water...good luck getting me luck.

Sadly, the modern tub is not a joy for my Divaness nor my Berserker Viking  DNA and lots of shower time.....lots.. is medicine to me..and I had realized that first swim, that I had not submerged myself in a large body of water since the Gulf when in Mexico in June 2010...what? that is just not right...

So..there I was, working out in the pool...3 hours one day, 2 hours the next week...and then it was discovered....that fact that...

I am no longer freakishly strong....not at.all.

I figure, my life the last 7 years has resulted in a loss of at least 35% of the muscle mass of my legs....and that is me being kind to myself.

I was BLOWN away..."what.. what is all this...jiggly stuff ??? " (yay water for it's illuminating anti gravity skills). WHERE ARE MY LEGS??

No wonder the lungs have been in revolt and the tiredness etc.

So.. we know how to do will be hard...but we have the data to correct it..

I have sussed out a place to go swim without it being a meat market of weirdness and shame,. and it is far to expensive to access as a full gym...but I found a joyous place for healing in the water.

I am looking forward to a winter of warm pool therapy access and some deep water resistance training.

It will take a few years to regain what I lost, but the shock of it being gone was a very huge bonus to my system.

And water brings me such joy, so it is not really like excersise..

not really...

Hope you are smacked with revelations this Fall, dear readers... Mercury goes retrograde in Scorpio on Oct 21- Nov 10, 2013

If you  have no idea what that means...see links below.

Perfect Cosmic help in cleaning out the dross and letting go at the time of the Bone Mother as we approach the New Year (Samhain) If  you do not know what any of that means...Google and Wikipedia are your friends

We all have deep inner work to look to...and get it done. Time is of the essence...even when you bend it , like I do.

A Ho,

Fat Diva

Mercury Retrograde info

Great Astrology site

Monday, August 26, 2013

Fat Diva's Inferno store is 106 degrees today. I am sitting in pools of sweat..which is SUPER awesome for my customers and I to be a part of...but the brutality of the heat here in the upper Midwest is crushing us all like wee bugs.

So today"s blog will be short as I am sticking to everything...>BLECH!!

But today is about being fierce in spite of everyone and everything Life lobs at you.

This is fierce

Let it be known..... fat Russian ballerinas are the epitome of fierce....

If they can do that, I can sit here in 106 degrees and do my mojo and whine a bit less.

What can you whine a bit less about today?

Be fierce, I dare you.

Love and "it's too hot to touch hugs from a distance"

Fat Diva

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Having My World Rocked....

So yesterday, as I was about to head out on a consult for a wedding of some friends...I was gifted with a blog article  that stunned me like a smack across the face.

I am not going to share it here..I might later..but the jist of it was a public apology/ open letter from a woman who had worked in the diet industry, and she was apologizing to her former clients. Apologizing for her 'helping" them with their weight issues through the program/product/employer she was working for/with.

As I sat outside waiting for my ride,my cheek still smarting from the  "Pay attention, Fat Diva" blow from the Universe....I read the article/letter and began to cry as I processed what it said, so plainly and raw.

I am still internally weighing how I feel about the blog, and my reaction to my Being is actually still percolating a reaction to it.

needless to was a game changer in so many things in Fat Diva many things.

I can choose to see it as the clarification I have been asking Fabeku Fatunmise would say.."my BOOM!"....

or I can choose to work to strike a balance with the information I am digesting, and how I choose to do business in the health and wellness industry...

or I can rage against the machine and pound my fist bloody, hoping to be heard...

or I can just ignore it all and continue enjoying this lovely tasting sand....

or I can run away screaming as if I am fire...

which ever the outcome......mindfulness is most assuredly needed in moving forward.

I am sorry to be vague and is all just too fragile to see the light of day ...partially formed and vulnerable..

stay tuned, peeps...and remember to open your heart and your Inner Ears to the Universe talking to you...cuz it is loving you all the time....even when you can not tell.

Pax, may we find lots of it soon
Love-Fat Diva

Monday, August 5, 2013

well....that was interesting....

So...last week at this time, I was doing my Fat Diva thing, working the live -long-day...and from the moment I awoke..was sure I was not in my meat suit if my left leg was twisted a bit...and I was dizzy and spacey, and my heart was fluttering a lot.

a lot a lot.

read some interwebs pages, did some meditations, made some calls to some peeps..all the while
S-----L-----O-----W-----L-----Y------ sliding into a kind of hysteria...while still servicing my customers and making the day go.

and looking into what it feels like for women to have a heart attack...which I was not completely convinced was NOT happening...

as the work-a-day moved on...the hysteria and weepy started clawing it's way into my fore-brain and by the end of the work 730pm..i was fetal on the floor of my store, sobbing and rocking back and forth like a wee-bairn...thinking..this is it..I am going to die here.

Enter the beautiful Empress and she came and smudged me down, grounded me. and held my hand as she explained to me

"You are having an intense panic attack, dearheart. Just breathe and ride it out"

HOLY CRAP, dear readers....what an awful thing. I am sure there are more awful things than that medically to experience, but as a migraine sufferer..with spine structural issues...i have a pretty deep threshold for pain...this...this was a brain chemistry bomb going off in my embassy of Being.


boo boo boooooooooooo

So, after Empress assured me that the thing I needed the most was lots of water and deep sleep, she took Fat Diva home and I crawled ..literally..into bed and slept like the dead for nearly 12 hours.

And on Wed, I decided to walk 4 industrial blocks at sunset and enjoyed the summer breeze, ate a nectarine and drank some water during, and just curled my toes in the grass for a while...sucking wind toward the end...but I did it..

yay me!

now..the task is preventing any future brain chem bombs and entering into some peace treaty talks...cuz I am not interested in any meds, despite the joy and relief they have brought dearhearts I love..i just have to figure out something to unravel all this dross in a different way.

Those of you who deal with these regularly...I am so sorry...and hope you find the healing you need.

So onward and upward I trailblaze..hoping to find the strength to make a difference for me.

Blessings careful out there.

Friday, July 26, 2013

"Et tu, Brute?"


Some say...ya gotta love them. Really? Do I, really?

Hmmm.. I know deep in my heart ....I do. Love them, that is. Goddess bless me, but I have to.

But when I say "them" I REEEEALLLY need to include myself in that pronoun of generality....right?

Self is a tough card for me. And it gets even harder when I read the Mass Media bullshit headlines, blogs, and sound bytes of the daily grind.....

Thank Goddess I have a wondrous support system and we have the interwebs to connect us all to our tribe- at- large..(that's punny!)

But seriously......I am raising a red flag, or better upside down American flag of distress here today...and waving it wildly in the air...

I grow more and more alarmed everyday at the Fascists and corporate overlords who are buying up everything and everyone.... waging this VERY OPEN- VERY PUBLIC campaign of extreme hatred against fat people.

Are we ...the fat people...going to have to hold festivals to honor and celebrate our "UN-conformity" and wage a right's battle on Capital Hill and in legislation everywhere...just to have a right to exist? Or are we just getting crucified and shoved into some trains soon...and taken to a hot place..??

Cuz....I will cut a bitch...and prejudice required.... and so will my peeps...

In regards to the Shakespearean quote of "Et tu, Brute?"...I cite this in reference not to the suggestion that Caesar was saying to Brutus..."You ass, I thought you had my back...fucker"...but in the interpretation that is more akin to  "Hey Brutus (also translated means dull or stupid in Latin)'re next....asshat."

The current social/economic climate looks to be trending hard that way. If I were not so angry, it would scare the POOP right out of me...and some might say.."Hey Fat Diva, that is great because ya would weigh less " and I say to those people.

Shut. your. pieholes.

And just wait until Obama Care kicks in....... Fatties?... start prepping for Fatpocalypse...

We live in a world here in the Western cultures, where we are fed food that has ZERO nutrition, is messed with by untried and tested "science" (looking at you GMO asshatery...stop fucking with the bees....and everything else) that is driven by MEGAcorporations that wish to reap (rape) the money from us while feeding us sawdust...yes, dear reader.... and soon Soylent Green is watch...we are already allowing this to happen to our farm animals...and then we get the BigPharma telling us we are fat because we LACK the willpower to OBVIOUSLY stop stuffing our faces with crap food that is filled with fat, salt, fake sugar (but at LEAST it is low fat, thank JeeBus)  and...yes.. soon that added flavor of people (see above)..and THEN...insult upon injury... the MASS (funny that word used to describe them)  media enforces that we feel like shit about ourselves because we can not live life up to, or be like, the .000000008 % of the Beautiful Cool Kids we see AIRBRUSHED (who are secretly sucking down Epsom salt to stay thin)... in any media bytes we are watching...sadly CHOOSING to we get depressed ....which makes us do what? you got it!... eat more crap from Big Agra and then go to the Dr, INC ....who treats us like muck beneath his shoe because we require "the big cuff " to check the blood pressure..then we EAT more drugs he gives us (isn't that his job...drug pusher for the overlords? or am I mistaken?) because SHOCKINGLY....can you believe it?  We are fucking to top that joyful ride off...we then go outside in Social Land...wher the "people" are... and enjoy the sweet privilege of being shamed by EVERYONE because we obviously can not CONTROL ourselves in the snacks aisle and now " YOU PEOPLE are going to cost the tax payers of this country BILLIONS of dollars in health care costs because YOU ARE A LOSER.....and just can not stop eating EVERYTHING!"


(screaming aloud)....ARE>YOU>FUCKING>KIDDING>ME?


I am so so angry. In case you missed that factoid...I am.

And working in the world of heath and wellness, I see the results of this Ride TO Hell on the faces and souls of my customers..who just want to live their lives, raise their babies, and be happy.

Yes, many of us have made choices that effect our fattness ...and shit, even called that into being.....Talk to me about Journeys down dark roads and finding our broken selves again, then being brave enough to love all the pieces as a whole..but that is another blog..

.in the meantime...

How do you even DARE be happy and be fat?

Even when you work toward becoming healthier...which is subjective and unique to each soul on the planet...(I am fat..and pretty damn healthy for where I am at...) fat folks are kicked and spit on the entire way they are trying to walk their walk...people driving by in cars while we are out exercising ....and they ...the "people"....feel it is their God- Given -Right  to share their opinion, good or bad..on what we are doing, or eating in a restaurant, or shopping for clothes..

WAIT...daydream time!! (dooddlydoodoodlydoodoodlydoo)

Imagine..... if I just decided to inform every parent I saw in my daily life about my opinion about them choosing to raise 3-6+ kids in a world where resources are unequally distributed amongst the peoples of the World,  and how offended I am they they can not "say no" to sex, and how they OBVIOUSLYdo not use contraceptives. I tell them ...please!  spare the world 3+ more of your entitled, bratty kids who always are ripping shit they did not buy off the retail shelves I am trying to stock..I ask them.."DO you live on a farm? Do you need these kids to work the land, or go work in the factory while you sit at home and dream of other places to screw your spouse so you can remain addicted to the rush of hormones you feel while pregnant...? because you seriously can not love the having kids part when you let them run a muck and annoy everyone trying to shop."....imagine a world where I could say that..

(Reality returns) But you can tell me  "maybe I should have a salad instead of an entree as you casually walk by my restaurant table, where I am minding my own business and enjoying the company of friends? And think I will not hear you when you say it under your breath? Really?...FUCK YOU.


Now....tell me how long YOU could withstand that shit and be successful in healing your self..mind -body and spirit...cuz guess what Dr -Wanna -Be-God-sauces....and Peoples Who are Hating Themselves and Have To Take It Out On Fatties...

read this article..yes it is a MMS thing...shhh

I hope that other sane folks who feel this trend is dangerous and alarming start to speak up and ask the questions, and DEMAND answers....."How do we stop the madness?.."What the hell?" "We have to end this " etc" least for the sake of the damn children....please Jee Bus...and all Holy Beings everywhere...we .no wait.. as the pronoun earlier cited....."they"...the "peoples"  have gone MAD....MADDD!!!
..send the Ezekiel Wheels....HURRY!

I am ready.

 I have always known I would most likely leave this world on fire, strapped to a pole..and I am at peace with fighting to the death for my beliefs and for the sake of others I believe in...the question I ask you, dearest reader is...look to your own life and it's habits and desires....are you real with yourself about what is happening?...not just to fat people, but things that CONTINUE to happen to folks who are maybe not like you,believe like you,  look like you, think like you..?.

Are you next? Cuz we are there....we are already there...and divide and conquer is very much forefront on the minds of those who would oppress us..

I leave you to ponder with the words from our not -so- distant past...

First they came for the communists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a communist.
Then they came for the socialists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a socialist.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.
Then they came for me,
and there was no one left to speak for me.
~ Martin Niemöller (1892–1984)

 Be Mindful your words, your thoughts, your deeds, and Be the change you want to see in the World...I am working on that myself...

Thanks for reading, peeps..Fat Diva is off to prep for battle...what are YOU doing?

Monday, April 1, 2013

Fat Diva Loves Her Some Random Strangers....

I met an angel once.

Actually, let me back up...I have met angels many times in the Dreamtime..but this angel...was 3D Land. Full on fleshed out right before my eyes.

Groovy story...regardless how you might feel about the validity of a person meeting in 3D Land or in the Dreamtime...but that is your deal, and I respect that.

My deal goes like this....

Long ago...say about 1994-1996 ish...can not recall exactly was long ago.... I was working a sports celebrity event Jim Marshall was throwing.... with my bestie, Pamazon...and the Guest of Honor, aside from some MN Sports greats like Kent Hrbeck, (SUPER nice guy BTW) was the actor John Amos.

For his deets, click here:

Anyway, so we are doing this celebrity auction in support of inner city youth ...and after the party was wrapping up and a few of us were sitting at the bar listening to these great stories John was sharing, he decided he was not done, and that we all needed to go find a reggae bar to go dancing at. Luckily, we were down at the Fine Line, and a jaunt over to The Red Sea on the West Bank was not out of the way.

However, Pamazon and I are two...very Diva-esque white chicks...and I was in my late 20's and Pamazon is 12 years my senior...not that age has much to do with it, shit, John and most of the peeps we were with were far older than was just...a reggae bar? Seriously? and we were in formal-esque attire as we weight the option and said......sure...wth! and off we went.

So we get to the Red Sea...on a Saturday night...TOTALLY packed...great Bob Marley cover band playing... and bestie and I look at each other a crossed a sea of lots and lots of short folks...and we start"are you kidding me? Are we really here? Is this happening?" and as I stood there, awkward and thinking, "we should just go".... a TINY little Rasta man came vaulting...I kid you not...He SPRUNG out of the dance floor crowd, seized my wrist like a vise, and yanked me into the center of the dance floor...and proceeded to ROCK.HIS.FACE.OFF....and after a breath of.."HOLYSHITWHATDOIDONOW?"..I threw myself into the music with abandon and rocked my Fat Diva ass off as well.


So, one would think this was the end of a tale, but it is sadly, the bar was close to closing, so dance your face off time only happened for about 20-30 minutes tops before it was time to leave...John had a blast and hugged us all fiercely as we poured out of the club, all sweaty and giddy.  out we stumbled into the early summer night..and as goodbyes were trailing on in their MN way..I stepped off down the sidewalk a store length or so to catch my breath, adrenaline pumping through me and a HUGE Fat Diva smile on my face...

I use to live in the McKnight Building in the Cedar Place highrise in college, so I was very familiar with this corner...and as it was late, there was no one really around unless they came out of Red Sea, or the 400 Bar...and as I sucked in air and reset my center...I remarked to myself how odd it was that the street was so empty, Red Sea spill out excepted.

Then I heard this soft voice come from my blindside on my lower right ...and it said " You have such a beautiful smile. What are you so happy about?"

I kid you not, this cat was literally within my auric field, and I had not seen or felt him approach..he was just...not there...then there...but he did not scare me...he was a very small Asian looking gentleman, could have been a homeless person, or just a  dude...tho I recall him wearing a parka- like coat, and it not being cold..

I turned, not in a startled way,  and bubbled forth some words about how awesome it was to dance and the music was so great and how could I NOT be elated when life is so groovy....and the rush of it all...

He smiled and nodded ...and then said "We watch you, ya know...and it is loved most by all of us when you sing. You need to sing. Sing."

My eyes opened wide , and I stammered a bit as I said..."yes..I am glad...huh?"
( I know...super eloquent of me, eh? And truth be told, at the time, I was not singing very much and was all mucked up about it)

I turned left quickly to see if Pamazon was coming and then looked right back at him to ask more about the singing, and he was thin air..not walking across the street, or down the street...just...gone...

I knew then in my heart of hearts, without question, that  I had had a run in with a seraphim- like being.

Pamazon found me shortly and I babbled the experience to her....she being a person of deep Spirit....we hugged and shook our heads about what a weird and wonder- filled night it was...and we got in the car to go..

That day has never left me. Not sure what to do with it, other than maybe knowing the comfort that we are being watched loved ones, angels, guardians, those with our highest good at the heart...and that as hard as this 3D world can be ...there is something much  more to be gained from living it.

Play hard, Love deep, Sing and Dance your faces off, my pretties...

Thursday, February 28, 2013

When Life Is A Shitstorm...Eat Cake..(or at least dreamblog about it)

Hello peeps...been a while

Fat Diva is has been...well...certainly NOT boring.

Sometimes, I think of what it might be like to live a life where nothing happens....then I get bored.

So let's see..recap of Fat Diva News from September to now.

in the infamous words of Eddie Izzard...



Seems the Rapture did not gobble up humankind at the "End of The World 12-21-12" party, but is certainly smarted for many of us in my world. I am convinced it is happening in a slow trickle...and looking around at so many transitions of peeps...I am sure of it..

My dearest Adam, creative partner in crime, bestie- friend -soul -brother transitioned from us on Dec 21, 2012 at the young age of 30. I was the last person to see him alive that morning.

Needless to say, on the wings of my Father's transitioning  in Jan of 2012, this was not a joyful year for Fat Diva. Sure there were good points, but the not good, not easeful, not happy parts....were epic. And looking around my circles, close and several degrees away...there is much much death and mayhem a foot. Tis the times I am sad to say. We are all moving through the muck and mire and clarifying the butter that is our lives.


Grief is a weird and crafty is a wicked justify-er, shrewd and slithery negotiator, and it's a sneaky bastard to never know when it is going to get the jump on you...could be anywhere, any time..and yet EVERY time it springs upon your back, or side swipes you with a hip-check of are actually surprised...provided you can ascertain quickly who was driving that Sherman Tank that just plastered you to the floor to be peeled up like a fruit roll- up by your friends, or random I your bitch?

Which brings us to cake.

I really want some...REALLY want some.

I am not in a place where I am denying myself anything.....but....cake...dreaming about it...and more death.

Truth be tastes "off/wrong" to me. I eat because I know I have to fuel the machine with something that makes it "go" through the motions. Don't much care right now what it is...sadly...not helping the health focus.

Despite all the planning, prepping,and research, getting of the lovely NutriBullet machine, collecting recipes to detox organs and just have a creative palate of juices.... to do a juice fast and smoothie cleanse starting in the Fall of 2012..I have been hindered...

My current running software is as follows: (ahem)

"I will start this cleanse/journey after....... the pre- holiday-nope-now-after-shows-go-up-Stop!-now- post- cat- surgery-and his-recovery-crap-now-after -the-funeral -wait-must-helm-all-the-shows-alone-without-Adam-wait!!-family -dynamics-take-everything-we-built-and-trashing-it-fuck!!doh!- after- my- fish dies -which- I -had -to -facilitate -myself -super-sad -and -sucky -and - now- after -our- chorus- show- is -done- in -Feb- when -the- hell -am- I- going -to- clean -my -house- ugh -I- can- not- believe -I -live- here- in -this-filth-crap-packed-loft-crap-crap-crap!!! "

I cry shenanigans on myself and the bring me some fucking cake...I EARNED it!!

I do not think it is really about shoving a frosting laden piece of vanilla-y moist cake-y goodness into my piehole...I think it is about the IDEA of cake. That after all this craptasic struggle, I deserve a reward. And it's the realizing that "cake = reward" that makes me look at the emotional content of that little seemingly innocent equation...and I realize I have such a long way to go...which I knew...but that my need to feel better needs to outweigh the instant gratification of CAKE on my poorly-translating-yummy-flavors-cuz-it-seems-to-be-broken tongue.

Glad I am not driving right now .... I can not just run to the store to fulfill such synopsis of my brain body signals. Thank Goddess..or my ass would have 2 zip codes.

So I have to THINK about it a bit, and then wait for a bit while the thought/craving/destructive behavior is not fulfilled, and it moves on like a hungry wolf pack ...onto weaker deerfolk...

Working in the business of health and wellness with Seattle Sutton's....I see lots of folks struggling with food and how they have built it to control their every moment. And I do not want to be that anymore.

I love food. I am a hedonist. That is going to be a forever for this lifetime thing...but it is always about choices. So I am just making sure I am as conscious about it is possible

I hope my taste-buds return to normal soon. I think it might be a grief only high levels of salt, sweet, or fat make it through the brain fog and heart trauma of being so, so sad. I am not enjoying anything about eating right now..and it annoys me.

Hopefully..this will pass, and the cake dreams will fade a will the real life epic death around me

Besides...I am so much more of a pie girl these days.

Keep it real , brave enough to be happy.

Fat Diva