Friday, October 18, 2013

A Deep Field

There are so many times in my day, that I struggle to push through such dross of ennui and bullshit I have built up around is hard sometimes just trying to remember to breathe...

We all do this..our inner mind chatter is the most icky Gumdrop Swamp to overcome...we fight it.... every second....of every hour....etc.etc...

Lately..I have been suffering from acute insomnia...and have figured out I am in a state of adrenal fatigue.

It's my own fault and not asking for sympathy or anything..I have made the mess, now I am cleaning it up...but as I have been up late, I have been looking at the stars a lot.

Growing up on a farm in Northern MN, I spent an enormous amount of time gazing at the stars...and in moving to the city, there is not nearly enough sky to look at with the city lights pollution obscuring it ..

 I am reminded these late nights ...that the world we make for ourselves so, so small. We THINK that our world (s) are these big creations of epic-ness that contain the sum of all our parts..our hopes, dreams, passions, families, loves, hates, struggles, failures...and fears... mostly...lots of fears.

Many times I find myself stopping from thinking  'bigger"..and trust me ...I am a BIG BIG BIG picture person...and I wonder why I do that..... aside from being afraid.

I have written in the past about how tired I am of keeping myself smaller so others are more comfortable, and yet it is not so easy to own my "bigness"...I am working on it.. this is very deep deep work because it means taking myself down to the nub and rebuilding ...becoming  WHO I am as opposed to who I THINK I am...and that is a long transformational journey.

These it is harder to stay in the deep work...I am looking at the stars I remind myself that the 'bigness" is out there..and that the crazy things like this photo that the Hubble telescope a TINY quantum fraction of the night sky...and contains thousands of GALAXIES with in that sliver of sky...and that regardless of the fears I am facing in mastering my Epicness...that there is more than enough room in the vast cosmos to hold space for me to be as BIG as I can imagine....

so...hey..... look up at's all out there for you......and remember....that we are all made of stars....

Fat Diva

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