Thursday, February 28, 2013

When Life Is A Shitstorm...Eat Cake..(or at least dreamblog about it)

Hello peeps...been a while

Fat Diva is has been...well...certainly NOT boring.

Sometimes, I think of what it might be like to live a life where nothing happens....then I get bored.

So let's see..recap of Fat Diva News from September to now.

in the infamous words of Eddie Izzard...



Seems the Rapture did not gobble up humankind at the "End of The World 12-21-12" party, but is certainly smarted for many of us in my world. I am convinced it is happening in a slow trickle...and looking around at so many transitions of peeps...I am sure of it..

My dearest Adam, creative partner in crime, bestie- friend -soul -brother transitioned from us on Dec 21, 2012 at the young age of 30. I was the last person to see him alive that morning.

Needless to say, on the wings of my Father's transitioning  in Jan of 2012, this was not a joyful year for Fat Diva. Sure there were good points, but the not good, not easeful, not happy parts....were epic. And looking around my circles, close and several degrees away...there is much much death and mayhem a foot. Tis the times I am sad to say. We are all moving through the muck and mire and clarifying the butter that is our lives.


Grief is a weird and crafty is a wicked justify-er, shrewd and slithery negotiator, and it's a sneaky bastard to never know when it is going to get the jump on you...could be anywhere, any time..and yet EVERY time it springs upon your back, or side swipes you with a hip-check of are actually surprised...provided you can ascertain quickly who was driving that Sherman Tank that just plastered you to the floor to be peeled up like a fruit roll- up by your friends, or random I your bitch?

Which brings us to cake.

I really want some...REALLY want some.

I am not in a place where I am denying myself anything.....but....cake...dreaming about it...and more death.

Truth be tastes "off/wrong" to me. I eat because I know I have to fuel the machine with something that makes it "go" through the motions. Don't much care right now what it is...sadly...not helping the health focus.

Despite all the planning, prepping,and research, getting of the lovely NutriBullet machine, collecting recipes to detox organs and just have a creative palate of juices.... to do a juice fast and smoothie cleanse starting in the Fall of 2012..I have been hindered...

My current running software is as follows: (ahem)

"I will start this cleanse/journey after....... the pre- holiday-nope-now-after-shows-go-up-Stop!-now- post- cat- surgery-and his-recovery-crap-now-after -the-funeral -wait-must-helm-all-the-shows-alone-without-Adam-wait!!-family -dynamics-take-everything-we-built-and-trashing-it-fuck!!doh!- after- my- fish dies -which- I -had -to -facilitate -myself -super-sad -and -sucky -and - now- after -our- chorus- show- is -done- in -Feb- when -the- hell -am- I- going -to- clean -my -house- ugh -I- can- not- believe -I -live- here- in -this-filth-crap-packed-loft-crap-crap-crap!!! "

I cry shenanigans on myself and the bring me some fucking cake...I EARNED it!!

I do not think it is really about shoving a frosting laden piece of vanilla-y moist cake-y goodness into my piehole...I think it is about the IDEA of cake. That after all this craptasic struggle, I deserve a reward. And it's the realizing that "cake = reward" that makes me look at the emotional content of that little seemingly innocent equation...and I realize I have such a long way to go...which I knew...but that my need to feel better needs to outweigh the instant gratification of CAKE on my poorly-translating-yummy-flavors-cuz-it-seems-to-be-broken tongue.

Glad I am not driving right now .... I can not just run to the store to fulfill such synopsis of my brain body signals. Thank Goddess..or my ass would have 2 zip codes.

So I have to THINK about it a bit, and then wait for a bit while the thought/craving/destructive behavior is not fulfilled, and it moves on like a hungry wolf pack ...onto weaker deerfolk...

Working in the business of health and wellness with Seattle Sutton's....I see lots of folks struggling with food and how they have built it to control their every moment. And I do not want to be that anymore.

I love food. I am a hedonist. That is going to be a forever for this lifetime thing...but it is always about choices. So I am just making sure I am as conscious about it is possible

I hope my taste-buds return to normal soon. I think it might be a grief only high levels of salt, sweet, or fat make it through the brain fog and heart trauma of being so, so sad. I am not enjoying anything about eating right now..and it annoys me.

Hopefully..this will pass, and the cake dreams will fade a will the real life epic death around me

Besides...I am so much more of a pie girl these days.

Keep it real , brave enough to be happy.

Fat Diva

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