I loathe exercise for exercise sake.
Have I mentioned this? I am sure you have noticed...it is not my thing.
Let me tell you a story about my life and Duran Duran.
Duran Duran saved my life.
Now I am sure you are thinking, "Fat Diva? how is that possible? Do you even know them?Met them? How can a 32 year old pop rock band from Birmingham , England have saved your life? Come on now...you're being ridiculous!"
well, dearest reader, maybe I am. ...ridiculous......shit ...we are ALL ridiculous, so allow me to be so in my own ri-DIC-ulous way...
I discovered the Fab Five in the wee summer days of 1981...and then went to 4-H camp (like you do) and met one of my lifelong besties Ms WhiskeyMarie..and she TOO loved the DD Squared ...so..along with listening to their music, drooling over every Teen Beat,SMASH, Tiger Beat, etc magazine of them we could get our hands on...oh! and every video, we are obsessed. We even celebrated the guys birthdays together...thousands of hours of dancing to their tunes and we had every intention to someday meet them, they would then fall madly in love with us (me=John Taylor, WhiskeyMarie= Roger, her sister = Nick..and we all wanted Simon too...Andy...Andy is just...Andy...) and then we all get married...yeah...cuz it was TOTALLY possible in our brains...go dreaming! We even convinced our mothers to drive us 3 hours from Northern MN to the Twin Cities to see the Seven And The Ragged Tiger concert at the Roy Wilkins Arena when we were barely freshman in high school...good times those were...(sigh)
At this time in the Fat Diva lifepath, I was starting to go from gawky teen, all legs and these new boobs....having been thin as a rail my whole life thus far...to starting to "fill out" in places, and gain weight as I had grown so fast between 7th & 8th grade..9 inches in 13 months...very painful...very hard as a teenager to deal with the public bullying and mean-ness of children at that age...it was a physical and emotionally tumultuous time...AND ... my parents marriage had also started to fall apart (great timing there, Universe) Hence... my gut reaction was to "keep everything and everyone together by sheer force of will"
so naturally.....food and music... became my dearest confidants.
I would lay in bed at night, listening to my cassette player...my precious Duran Duran albums...memorizing every bass line, every lyric, every synth pad, and drum fill...and often would just get up in the middle of the night as my body vibrated...to dance like a crazy child all over my bedroom..as quietly as I could living upstairs in an old farm house..and imaginaning a glamorus world of being a pop star...how I wanted that so badly.
It was in these nocturnal rampages of the mind and body, that I chose to follow the path of being a musician...somehow.
As I was quietly dealing with the dissolving of my parents relationship, my brothers deepening sadness and anger locking him away from me,preparing for college and "what are you doing with your life?" questions bombarding me from everywhere,staying on honor roll, involved in every extra curricular activity that did not require having a penis, I kept the feeling of my secret plan deep inside and clung to it as my Senior Year approached.
circa 1986: The band was growing apart..like my parents...and I was devastated that I was losing everything. My body was not what I hoped it to be, boys were friends with me, but I was clearly not fuckable..oh!...but my best friends were...."could you set me up with so and so? Sorry you have loved me since 4th grade...not interested".....tragic in a DeGrassi Junior High way, isn't it? (tho truth be told, I was not a sexually motivated teen..I was more about the idealism of romance and what relationships are SUPPOSE to be...according to my Harlequin Romance books and the glossy magazines...sex was too messy and who could even understand where things went and why? Not like kids today...but that is another topic.)
So my self identity and connection to my physical body were eroding at this age. I was active in 3 sports a year, was CONSTANTLY working out in some fashion with volleyball, basketball, and track...yet my body just kept moving to "thicker" and the stamina was not ever "coming to fruition". It was a no win situation of utter hopelessness and grief for me...
WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH ME? I asked every freekin' day....seriously
I have since learned a LOT about hormonal imbalance ,stress, DNA, etc and it's toll on the meat suit...
There was never a time that I thought "This is it! I do not want to be here anymore...screw this place, I am out of here" But ...there was a lot of deep sadness.
I remember once, at about 16 years of age...being curled up as best I could be in the front doorway of our house, which is now a closet (lol) and sobbing like a child. My Dad found me and asked what I was crying about...I told him that I was "too tall to live" and everyone called me things like "moose" and "freak" and I just did not want to go back to school (which BTW I was a kid who LOVED school) His response was "well...., we could just cut your legs off...and then it will be resolved." Imagine my hurt shocked teenage face as I said " well, THAT'S ridiculous!" and Dad said.."Exactly" and left me there to think about it...
Go Germanic practicality....blargh
So I started to wear my Duran Duran love like armor. Many friends from high school, or even non friends, all think of me when they hear Duran Duran anything..so they have told me over the years...because my identification with this band was so strong.
They were (and are) mysterious, sensual, sexy, intelligent, talented, deep, glamorous, wild, smart,.... and all of these things were qualities of Being that I wanted to be...so I clung to them for dear life...literally.
I have recently become enamored with Duran Duran's new album "All You Need Is Now". I play it aloud and dance around my loft...which ...for over a decade...I have not danced for joy unless ambushed (see previous post on Sept trip) and I am doing this daily for the length of the album (47 minutes) which in the end...turns out to be a nice workout if I keep moving the entire time as I sing and spin around.
The fuzzy children think I am insane..but I also have realized..I have a shit ton...literal shit ton ...of music I have not listened to in ...FOREVER!...so...if I listen to my entire library ..averaging 45 min start to finish...I find myself NOT bored...and just moving my body because it is fun...
THIS is an action I can stick with.
Not putting any expectation on this other than joy, movement, and re-acquainting myself with my CD library and getting some ME time..which is rare these days, and needs to become COMMON
yeah..."because it is fun" is a new mantra for me. I have always made fun things happen for me, for others around me, but the last decade or so..I lost that somewhere...so now...(ahem) ."I reclaim thee FUN..you are mine".
so..as I was saying....Duran Duran saved my life once...and now..they are doing it again