When Life Is A Shitstorm...Eat Cake..(or at least dreamblog about it)

Hello peeps...been a while

Fat Diva is sorry....life has been...well...certainly NOT boring.

Sometimes, I think of what it might be like to live a life where nothing happens....then I get bored.

So let's see..recap of Fat Diva News from September to now.

in the infamous words of Eddie Izzard...

Death
Death
Death

Lunch

Seems the Rapture did not gobble up humankind at the "End of The World 12-21-12" party, but is certainly smarted for many of us in my world. I am convinced it is happening in a slow trickle...and looking around at so many transitions of peeps...I am sure of it..

My dearest Adam, creative partner in crime, bestie- friend -soul -brother transitioned from us on Dec 21, 2012 at the young age of 30. I was the last person to see him alive that morning.

Needless to say, on the wings of my Father's transitioning  in Jan of 2012, this was not a joyful year for Fat Diva. Sure there were good points, but the not good, not easeful, not happy parts....were epic. And looking around my circles, close and several degrees away...there is much much death and mayhem a foot. Tis the times I am sad to say. We are all moving through the muck and mire and clarifying the butter that is our lives.

mmmm....butter...

Grief is a weird and crafty beasty....it is a wicked justify-er, shrewd and slithery negotiator, and it's a sneaky bastard to boot...you never know when it is going to get the jump on you...could be anywhere, any time..and yet EVERY time it springs upon your back, or side swipes you with a hip-check of Doom...you are actually surprised...provided you can ascertain quickly who was driving that Sherman Tank that just plastered you to the floor to be peeled up like a fruit roll- up by your friends, or random strangers....oy...Grief...am I your bitch?

Which brings us to cake.

I really want some...REALLY want some.

I am not in a place where I am denying myself anything.....but....cake...dreaming about it...and more death.

Truth be told......food tastes "off/wrong" to me. I eat because I know I have to fuel the machine with something that makes it "go" through the motions. Don't much care right now what it is...sadly...not helping the health focus.

Despite all the planning, prepping,and research, getting of the lovely NutriBullet machine, collecting recipes to detox organs and just have a creative palate of juices.... to do a juice fast and smoothie cleanse starting in the Fall of 2012..I have been hindered...

My current running software is as follows: (ahem)

"I will start this cleanse/journey after....... the pre- holiday-nope-now-after-shows-go-up-Stop!-now- post- cat- surgery-and his-recovery-crap-now-after -the-funeral -wait-must-helm-all-the-shows-alone-without-Adam-wait!!-family -dynamics-take-everything-we-built-and-trashing-it-fuck!!doh!- after- my- fish dies -which- I -had -to -facilitate -myself -super-sad -and -sucky -and - now- after -our- chorus- show- is -done- in -Feb- when -the- hell -am- I- going -to- clean -my -house- ugh -I- can- not- believe -I -live- here- in -this-filth-crap-packed-loft-crap-crap-crap!!! "

I cry shenanigans on myself and the Universe..now bring me some fucking cake...I EARNED it!!

I do not think it is really about shoving a frosting laden piece of vanilla-y moist cake-y goodness into my piehole...I think it is about the IDEA of cake. That after all this craptasic struggle, I deserve a reward. And it's the realizing that "cake = reward" that makes me look at the emotional content of that little seemingly innocent equation...and I realize I have such a long way to go...which I knew...but that my need to feel better needs to outweigh the instant gratification of CAKE on my poorly-translating-yummy-flavors-cuz-it-seems-to-be-broken tongue.

Glad I am not driving right now .... I can not just run to the store to fulfill such synopsis of my brain body signals. Thank Goddess..or my ass would have 2 zip codes.

So I have to THINK about it a bit, and then wait for a bit while the thought/craving/destructive behavior is not fulfilled, and it moves on like a hungry wolf pack ...onto weaker deerfolk...

Working in the business of health and wellness with Seattle Sutton's....I see lots of folks struggling with food and how they have built it to control their every moment. And I do not want to be that anymore.

I love food. I am a hedonist. That is going to be a forever for this lifetime thing...but it is always about choices. So I am just making sure I am as conscious about it is possible

I hope my taste-buds return to normal soon. I think it might be a grief thing...so only high levels of salt, sweet, or fat make it through the brain fog and heart trauma of being so, so sad. I am not enjoying anything about eating right now..and it annoys me.

Hopefully..this will pass, and the cake dreams will fade a bit....as will the real life epic death around me

Besides...I am so much more of a pie girl these days.

Keep it real , folks...be brave enough to be happy.

Loves
Fat Diva

I AM the Tardis...for real?

Now first, let me pontificate how much work I am doing to keep myself in the Flow of all things Heart Minded (in a spiritual path/choice way) and that I am doing a LOT of deep breathing everyday so as to not go all Pele' on the masses asses.,.....seriously...DEEP as the fathomless ocean deep breathing......(sucks in the oxygen)....I am not always good at that...and mean people suck..

There is such a rush of words and emotions here...I hope Fat Diva can make some sense...I will tangent in pieces, then in swift non-sequitur Eddie Izzard fashion, I PROMISE I will tie it all back together in relevance..and hopefully with liberal doses of genius humor as the Great Eddie does.

Much of my life has been spent in the "above average" in all things..in height, in size, in energy, in voice, in laughter, in rage, in chaos, in drama, in sadness.......I.Am.Epic...to say the least.

AND...I have recently..through my spiritual work....come to realize ...if you can believe it ....I have been living my life veryverytinysmall...for fear of being TOO much of Everything and thus make others around me uncomfortable or sad,jealous,enraged, <insert other adjectives here infinitude...fuck yes... it is a real word>

This was a revolution of thought for me...It had been mentioned to me in the not so distant past..(thank you friends..you know who you are)..but it is one thing to have folks share, speak wisdom, and outside observations of you TO you...but to internally have your  "eureka/holy FUCK" moment....yeah..that is when shit gets real....really fast.

So ...in discovering that ..hmmm..perhaps my world is as fubared as it is in many places, especially the Self Love/Body love area...because I am living my life way way too small and that ..oh  maybe..just MAYbe...I have manifested this Fat Diva Meat Suit for the 3rd dimensional proof that I am one of the finest alchemists this Universe has ever seen...I mean..shit..Look how FABULOUS A MESS I MADE... this manifested reality is chaos...and...I did that!

AND if I ACTUALLY lived my life FULLY ...then anything I want to do is MORE than possible...by living LARGE...like cosmos large....

and....(loves me the conjunction-junctions) in denying myself the Self Love I have not allowed...and by worrying that others would dislike me being all bright and shiny ... I created exactly what I loathed would happen all those thousands of journal pages ago..

Wow.. I am good. Right?

Now the task of learning how to be as bright big shiny and Massive as I AM...and better understanding how and why I store my energy the way I do.

There is just not really and EASY button for this Human living thing, is there?...I know I know...we all came here to experience the ride...I hear you, I get it...now...to apply the principles..back to school I go...

I know some may observed this thought process as some Eckhart Tolle- New -Agey -Laws of Attraction-Crappy -Crap...and if you do...that's fine...and if it makes you feel uncomfortable.....

Good. Suck it....with a side of Love...

word.


EDIT: NO FRAKIN WAY...I AM THE TARDIS...HE SAID SO
THIS was my Free Will Astrology horoscope by Rob Breznsy's from the week of Feb 12 2015

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning February 12
Copyright 2015 by Rob Brezsny 
http://FreeWillAstrology.com

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In the TV science-fiction show *Doctor Who,* 
the title character lives in a time machine that is also a spaceship. It's 
called a Tardis. From the outside, it appears to be barely bigger than a 
phone booth. But once you venture inside, you find it's a spacious 
chateau with numerous rooms, including a greenhouse, library, 
observatory, swimming pool, and karaoke bar. This is an excellent 
metaphor for you, Scorpio. Anyone who wants your love or friendship 
must realize how much you resemble a Tardis. If they don't understand 
that you're far bigger on the inside than you seem on the outside, it's 
unlikely the two of you can have a productive relationship. This Valentine 
season, as a public service, make sure that everyone you're seriously 
involved with knows this fact.

RAW-r or Not RAW-r? aka Doomed Horizon

so...you have not heard much from the Fat Diva lately..and I am sad for that...Life just gets all Life-y and this year has been brutal on many in my circles and I am weathering the storms and tsunami swells myself...oy.

I know I am not alone in this wee-little-life-raft-made-of-noodles...so...enough of that.

One of the things, as it relates to being Fat Diva..is that I have been doing a bunch of research and contemplation about adding a bunch of Raw Food lifestyle into the Fat Diva Land mixer.


So I am looking at the pros and cons...cons being not that the lifestyle is bad..it is not...but how can Fat Diva implement it into her OWN worldview...that is a much more interesting puzzle...

I have a pal looking to do some similar changes, so we are knocking our gorgeous noggins together and seeing what we can make happen...

I have been feeling for a long time, my body crave the juicy juice detox gifty...and it is about carving out a space in the CrazySchedule to make myself important enough, my house clean enough, and the grocery shopping affordable enough to do a 10 day juice cleanse and reset. that sounds like excuses...i am choosing to see it as a Reality Check Opportunity...Raw Food/Juicy Food is high maintenance, and expensive in the urban setting...one would think as myself..I would be use to that...but I am not. One one gets into this scene...it can simplify as economy of motion kicks in...but that takes time.

My gluten intolerance is tipped over as well. Now, I  am not allergic...just sensitive after several years of eating without the mindfulness for that...

also..my acidity is harsh and need to focus on the alkaline making of the body pH.

so LOTS of Self Love work to do...did I mention that I suck at that?

Lost some peeps recently ...way to young for Death...and health issues...and have some more peeps dealing with health challenges of an epic nature..so..yeah...too.close.for.comfort.

Future Times:

Looking at my commodities and futures reports, and gleaning much info from rouge economists and fringe watcher alternative news folk...the way we deal with, have access to, acquire good fresh garbage-free food is in danger of shifting in a way we are too terrified and in denial to imagine...

all the more reason to plan and dump the energetically manifested -bulky -flesh- dress...because when it comes down to survival..know one really cares if you are fat, what your skin color is, who your parents were, or what faith you practice...right? everything becomes CRYSTAL clear and that economy of E-motion kicks in...

And all signs of the coming future tells me the Zombie Apocalypse is not as far off as we thought...so...yeah...there needs to be a system reset and overhaul completed in the next 10 months...I feel the pressure from all sides.

I am listening now, Universe...I get it...the Hunger Games are here...we are poised for an Empire failure...so...what do we all do to strengthen, prepare, and be in the best place we can be to be in peace about what is possible, and change the story>


We focus on our Self  Love, Self Care and keep our hearts open to hear the wisdom from within, and then act on it.

the acting part...that is the scary piece sometimes...right?

William Shatner...look out Fat Diva is in the house...

Pray for me, gentle readers...pray for us all.

Read this awesome article and follow instructions...

Hey humans!...go out and do better

http://jezebel.com/5908787/being-mean-to-fat-people-is-pointless-a-good-old%20fashioned-plea-for-civility

From The Universe...and the Dreamtime.....a Warning? Message? Words To Live By?

Raven says -

Overcoming.
A moment of pain.
A lifetime of pride.
Row Hard.

How Duran Duran saved my life & Other Stories

I loathe exercise for exercise sake.

Have I mentioned this? I am sure you have noticed...it is not my thing.

Let me tell you a story about my life and Duran Duran.

Duran Duran saved my life.

Now I am sure you are thinking, "Fat Diva? how is that possible? Do you even know them?Met them? How can a 32 year old pop rock band from Birmingham , England have saved your life? Come on now...you're being ridiculous!"


well, dearest reader, maybe I am. ...ridiculous......shit ...we are ALL  ridiculous, so allow me to be so in my own ri-DIC-ulous way...

I discovered the Fab Five in the wee summer days of 1981...and then went to 4-H camp (like you do) and met one of my lifelong besties Ms WhiskeyMarie..and she TOO loved the DD Squared ...so..along with listening to their music, drooling over every Teen Beat,SMASH, Tiger Beat, etc  magazine of them we could get our hands on...oh! and every video, we are obsessed. We even celebrated the guys birthdays together...thousands of hours of dancing to their tunes and we had every intention to someday meet them, they would then fall madly in love with us (me=John Taylor, WhiskeyMarie= Roger, her sister = Nick..and we all wanted Simon too...Andy...Andy is just...Andy...) and then we all get married...yeah...cuz it was TOTALLY possible in our brains...go dreaming! We even convinced our mothers to drive us 3 hours from Northern MN to the Twin Cities to see the Seven And The Ragged Tiger concert at the Roy Wilkins Arena when we were barely freshman in high school...good times those were...(sigh)

At this time in the Fat Diva lifepath, I was starting to go from gawky teen, all legs and these new boobs....having been thin as a rail my whole life thus far...to starting to "fill out" in places, and gain weight as I had grown so fast between 7th & 8th grade..9 inches in 13 months...very painful...very hard as a teenager to deal with the public bullying and mean-ness of children at that age...it was a physical and emotionally tumultuous time...AND ... my parents marriage had also started to fall apart (great timing there, Universe) Hence... my gut reaction was to "keep everything and everyone together by sheer force of will"

so naturally.....food and music... became my dearest confidants.

I would lay in bed at night, listening to my cassette player...my precious Duran Duran albums...memorizing every bass line, every lyric, every synth pad, and drum fill...and often would just get up in the middle of the night as my body vibrated...to dance like a crazy child all over my bedroom..as quietly as I could living upstairs in an old farm house..and imaginaning a glamorus world of being a pop star...how I wanted that so badly.

It was in these nocturnal rampages of the mind and body, that I chose to follow the path of being a musician...somehow.

As I was quietly dealing with the dissolving of my parents relationship, my brothers deepening sadness and anger locking him away from me,preparing for college and "what are you doing with your life?" questions bombarding me from everywhere,staying on honor roll, involved in every extra curricular activity that did not require having a penis, I kept the feeling of my secret plan deep inside and clung to it as my Senior Year approached.

circa 1986: The band was growing apart..like my parents...and I was devastated that I was losing everything. My body was not what I hoped it to be, boys were friends with me, but I was clearly not fuckable..oh!...but my best friends were...."could you set me up with so and so? Sorry you have loved me since 4th grade...not interested".....tragic in a DeGrassi Junior High way, isn't it? (tho truth be told, I was not a sexually motivated teen..I was more about the idealism of romance and what relationships are SUPPOSE to be...according to my Harlequin Romance books and the glossy magazines...sex was too messy and who could even understand where things went and why? Not like kids today...but that is another topic.)

So my self identity and connection to my physical body were eroding at this age. I was active in 3 sports a year, was CONSTANTLY working out in some fashion with volleyball, basketball, and track...yet my body just kept moving to "thicker" and the stamina was not ever "coming to fruition". It was a no win situation of utter hopelessness and grief for me...

WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH ME? I asked every freekin' day....seriously

I have since learned a LOT about hormonal imbalance ,stress, DNA, etc and it's toll on the meat suit...

There was never a time that  I thought "This is it! I do not want to be here anymore...screw this place, I am out of here" But ...there was a lot of deep sadness.

I remember once, at about 16 years of age...being curled up as best I could be in the front doorway of our house, which is now a closet (lol) and sobbing like a child. My Dad found me and asked what I was crying about...I told him that I was "too tall to live" and everyone called me things like "moose" and "freak" and I just did not want to go back to school (which BTW I was a kid who LOVED school) His response was "well...., we could just cut your legs off...and then it will be resolved." Imagine my hurt shocked teenage face as I said " well, THAT'S ridiculous!" and Dad said.."Exactly" and left me there to think about it...

Go Germanic practicality....blargh

So I started to wear my Duran Duran love like armor. Many friends from high school, or even non friends, all think of me when they hear Duran Duran anything..so they have told me over the years...because my identification with this band was so strong.

They were (and are) mysterious, sensual, sexy, intelligent, talented, deep, glamorous, wild, smart,.... and all of these things were qualities of Being that I wanted to be...so I clung to them for dear life...literally.


I have recently become enamored with Duran Duran's new album "All You Need Is Now". I play it aloud and dance around my loft...which ...for over a decade...I have not danced for joy unless ambushed (see previous post on Sept trip) and I am doing this daily for the length of the album (47 minutes) which in the end...turns out to be a nice workout if I keep moving the entire time as I sing and spin around.

The fuzzy children think I am insane..but I also have realized..I have a shit ton...literal shit ton ...of music I have not listened to in ...FOREVER!...so...if I listen to my entire library ..averaging 45 min  start to finish...I find myself NOT bored...and just moving my body because it is fun...

THIS is an action I can stick with.

Not putting any expectation on this other than joy, movement, and re-acquainting myself with my CD library and getting some ME time..which is rare these days, and needs to become COMMON

yeah..."because it is fun" is a new mantra for me. I have always made fun things happen for me, for others around me, but the last decade or so..I lost that somewhere...so now...(ahem) ."I reclaim thee FUN..you are mine".

so..as I was saying....Duran Duran saved my life once...and now..they are doing it again

...no....the Fat Diva has NOT left the building....

sorry folks, integrating September into my world after returning from Seattle,WA and launching The Idisi's 3rd season took more out of me than I expected.

T'ai-Chi happened...loved it, but my back did not..so I have been S...L...O...W...L...Y... reintroducing body therapies back into my routine.

It took me many weeks of suffering before I caved and surrendered to the fact that I have a body that has to be massaged, poked, rubbed, prodded, and stretched in order to unravel all the damage from this life, and the impressions of my perceived realities of over-soul/past life stuff.

so...I finally gave in a few weeks ago. My fascia is CRABBY...it should not actually "crunch"..which it is doing....for real...crunchy...(shudder)

And...it MIGHT be that the "fallen arches" damage is false, and it is largely that my arches are that cramped ALL the time...so...we are working on unraveling...starting being the key word.

oy

so...I am here...and working on my body quietly and working hard not to rip the faces off of those around me as I process a lot of nerve and structural pain....

coming soon...let's talk about Emotional Release.....

super fun...

Be well and surrender more often...you will thank me for it.