Living in the Molasses Swamp...just south of the GumDrop Mountains

 Burnout teaches you what it takes to be splendidly human, wondrously creative, and intrinsically you
~ Leonie Dawson  www.leoniedawson.com

Hello there, dearest ones.....Fat Diva here.. working through the piles of pain and anguish to look up, weakly smile, and let the world know I am endeavoring to persevere...I would stake a flag in every millimeter of ground had I the strength to do so...

We are dealing with a complex health crisis...new to the mix...thyroid issues...no...we are not at all surprised...recent conversations with the Mamma about childhood-ness helped clue us into some work to be done there..oy...very very complicated to unravel.

So far we are looking at a layered cake effect of Body Sadness :

Acute Insomnia ( for over 3.5 months now)
Adrenal Fatigue
Leaky Gut Syndrome
Candidia
Thyroid (not sure if hypo or hyper at this point)
Pagophagia (iron anemia that leads to obsessive ice chewing...I know...weird...and bad for teeth..which are also sad)
Restless Leg
Acute menses cramps (though regular last 8 months for first time since 8th grade...win?)
Depression ( I know.... you are shocked)

Oddly, and thankfully, my chronic migraines have been fewer the last few months

I am in the process of some hair analysis being done and some bloodwork tests to get the factoids together so we can figure out a nutritional and supplemental plan. Thank Goddess for the interwebs and the research that can be done, despite having to wade through tons of not true crap...it is something we are blessed to have access to.

The question of which crisis to attack first is what we wait for..I have been stabbing around, thinking I knew which way to go, but the persistent and rude companion of Insomnia is starting to make my brain far less rational...and the id/ego- monsters roaming unchecked in the Inter -Realms of the Fat Diva are queuing and rumors are ...they are looking to unionize.

So we fight them off hourly and hope the abundance angels are able to heed our prayers for energy tools so we can choose wisely and execute wiser plans of recovery better..

I am thankful for the support circles I have, we are keeping each other on the road..though sometimes the vehicles are careening too near the edge....

In the mean time, much self reflection, reconstructing of neuro-pathways, oodles of kitty snuggles, ignoring of domestics, and lots of bone broth, ginger tea, and continuing to decrease the sugar, gluten and dairy input...and we sleep when we can and just work at being gentle with the Self...that is a shattered creature that we are hoping the bits of brightly colored threads woven to and fro...with lots of glitter to cover up the mushy parts... will suffice.

May you find more Self Love in your day than ever...we all need it to thrive.

Love
Fat Diva

Dross, Dross and more Dross

Hey dear readers...jsut a short blurb of Fat Diva's shenanegains...

I am in acute adrenal fatigue...

yep...... I figured out why I have been so sick..at least part of it...also need to give up gluten...which sucks, but have done it before...but is a process on its own..so I am sleeping...alot

alot alot alot

 I am using the energy of this Mercury Retrograde in my Sun Sign of Scorpio to look at patterns, jettison lots of dross...did  I mention alot?

like epic shit tons of alot...epic epic epic...

so I will come up for air here and there, but know I am am kicking the stuff out that does not work..and I expect a few pounds will release as well..becasue we all know.. our emotional and mental body feeds our physical one..and all layers need a serious enema or cosmic colonic


how about you? if you do not deal with it now...it will literally kill you..and I love you you..so don't die...ok?

check it out..

Cosmic Path website

later peeps...get it done

love
Fat Diva

A Deep Field

There are so many times in my day, that I struggle to push through such dross of ennui and bullshit I have built up around myself...it is hard sometimes just trying to remember to breathe...

We all do this..our inner mind chatter is the most icky Gumdrop Swamp to overcome...we fight it.... every second....of every hour....etc.etc...

Lately..I have been suffering from acute insomnia...and have figured out I am in a state of adrenal fatigue.

It's my own fault and not asking for sympathy or anything..I have made the mess, now I am cleaning it up...but as I have been up late, I have been looking at the stars a lot.

Growing up on a farm in Northern MN, I spent an enormous amount of time gazing at the stars...and in moving to the city, there is not nearly enough sky to look at with the city lights pollution obscuring it ..

 I am reminded these late nights ...that the world we make for ourselves daily...is so, so small. We THINK that our world (s) are these big creations of epic-ness that contain the sum of all our parts..our hopes, dreams, passions, families, loves, hates, struggles, failures...and fears... mostly...lots of fears.

Many times I find myself stopping from thinking  'bigger"..and trust me ...I am a BIG BIG BIG picture person...and I wonder why I do that..... aside from being afraid.

I have written in the past about how tired I am of keeping myself smaller so others are more comfortable, and yet it is not so easy to own my "bigness"...I am working on it.. this is very deep deep work because it means taking myself down to the nub and rebuilding ...becoming  WHO I am as opposed to who I THINK I am...and that is a long transformational journey.

These days...as it is harder to stay in the deep work...I am looking at the stars more...so I remind myself that the 'bigness" is out there..and that the crazy things like this photo that the Hubble telescope took..is a TINY quantum fraction of the night sky...and contains thousands of GALAXIES with in that sliver of sky...and that regardless of the fears I am facing in mastering my Epicness...that there is more than enough room in the vast cosmos to hold space for me to be as BIG as I can imagine....


so...hey..... look up at night....it's all out there for you......and remember....that we are all made of stars....

Loves
Fat Diva

Sadly.... not like Bull...

I used to be very strong.

Physically....

I have had folks move furniture with me and freak out when I have lifted bookcases, dressers,my end of the futon/bed and they say "Whoa! Holy crap you are freakishly strong!"

Fat Diva recently got herself into a swimming pool at the end of Aug and beginning of Sept (see a fore mentioned HOT-ness in the Midwest belch of that time period)

It was great. I love to swim. Grew up on lake resort in WI and swimming a the time...I am indeed a mermaid and or whale like creature.

Once in the water...good luck getting me out....like...seriously...good luck.

Sadly, the modern tub is not a joy for my Divaness nor my Berserker Viking  DNA height...so...lots and lots of shower time.....lots..

Water....it is medicine to me..and I had realized that first swim, that I had not submerged myself in a large body of water since the Gulf when in Mexico in June 2010...what? that is just not right...

So..there I was, working out in the pool...3 hours one day, 2 hours the next week...and then it was discovered....that fact that...

I am no longer freakishly strong....not at.all.

I figure, my life the last 7 years has resulted in a loss of at least 35% of the muscle mass of my legs....and that is me being kind to myself.

I was BLOWN away..."what.. what is all this...jiggly stuff ??? " (yay water for it's illuminating anti gravity skills). WHERE ARE MY LEGS??

No wonder the lungs have been in revolt and the tiredness etc.

So.. we know how to do this..it will be hard...but we have the data to correct it..

I have sussed out a place to go swim without it being a meat market of weirdness and shame,. and it is far to expensive to access as a full gym...but I found a joyous place for healing in the water.

I am looking forward to a winter of warm pool therapy access and some deep water resistance training.

It will take a few years to regain what I lost, but the shock of it being gone was a very huge bonus to my system.

And water brings me such joy, so it is not really like excersise..

not really...

Hope you are smacked with revelations this Fall, dear readers... Mercury goes retrograde in Scorpio on Oct 21- Nov 10, 2013

If you  have no idea what that means...see links below.

Perfect Cosmic help in cleaning out the dross and letting go at the time of the Bone Mother as we approach the New Year (Samhain) If  you do not know what any of that means...Google and Wikipedia are your friends

We all have deep inner work to look to...and get it done. Time is of the essence...even when you bend it , like I do.

A Ho,

Fat Diva

Mercury Retrograde info

Great Astrology site

Fat Diva's Inferno

So...my store is 106 degrees today. I am sitting in pools of sweat..which is SUPER awesome for my customers and I to be a part of...but the brutality of the heat here in the upper Midwest is crushing us all like wee bugs.

So today"s blog will be short as I am sticking to everything...>BLECH!!

But today is about being fierce in spite of everyone and everything Life lobs at you.

This is fierce

Let it be known..... fat Russian ballerinas are the epitome of fierce....

If they can do that, I can sit here in 106 degrees and do my mojo and whine a bit less.

What can you whine a bit less about today?

Be fierce, I dare you.

Love and "it's too hot to touch hugs from a distance"

Fat Diva

Having My World Rocked....

So yesterday, as I was about to head out on a consult for a wedding of some friends...I was gifted with a blog article  that stunned me like a smack across the face.

I am not going to share it here..I might later..but the jist of it was a public apology/ open letter from a woman who had worked in the diet industry, and she was apologizing to her former clients. Apologizing for her 'helping" them with their weight issues through the program/product/employer she was working for/with.

As I sat outside waiting for my ride,my cheek still smarting from the  "Pay attention, Fat Diva" blow from the Universe....I read the article/letter and began to cry as I processed what it said, so plainly and raw.

I am still internally weighing how I feel about the blog, and my reaction to it...as my Being is actually still percolating a reaction to it.

needless to say...it was a game changer in so many things in Fat Diva Land...so many things.

I can choose to see it as the clarification I have been asking for...as Fabeku Fatunmise would say.."my BOOM!"....

or I can choose to work to strike a balance with the information I am digesting, and how I choose to do business in the health and wellness industry...

or I can rage against the machine and pound my fist bloody, hoping to be heard...

or I can just ignore it all and continue enjoying this lovely tasting sand....

or I can run away screaming as if I am fire...

which ever the outcome......mindfulness is most assuredly needed in moving forward.

I am sorry to be vague and cryptic...it is all just too fragile to see the light of day ...partially formed and vulnerable..

stay tuned, peeps...and remember to open your heart and your Inner Ears to the Universe talking to you...cuz it is loving you all the time....even when you can not tell.

Pax, may we find lots of it soon
Love-Fat Diva

well....that was interesting....

So...last week at this time, I was doing my Fat Diva thing, working the live -long-day...and from the moment I awoke..was sure I was not in my meat suit correctly...as if my left leg was twisted a bit...and I was dizzy and spacey, and my heart was fluttering a lot.


a lot a lot.

read some interwebs pages, did some meditations, made some calls to some peeps..all the while
S-----L-----O-----W-----L-----Y------ sliding into a kind of hysteria...while still servicing my customers and making the day go.

and looking into what it feels like for women to have a heart attack...which I was not completely convinced was NOT happening...

as the work-a-day moved on...the hysteria and weepy started clawing it's way into my fore-brain and by the end of the work day...at 730pm..i was fetal on the floor of my store, sobbing and rocking back and forth like a wee-bairn...thinking..this is it..I am going to die here.

Enter the beautiful Empress and she came and smudged me down, grounded me. and held my hand as she explained to me

"You are having an intense panic attack, dearheart. Just breathe and ride it out"

HOLY CRAP, dear readers....what an awful thing. I am sure there are more awful things than that medically to experience, but as a migraine sufferer..with spine structural issues...i have a pretty deep threshold for pain...this...this was a brain chemistry bomb going off in my embassy of Being.

boo

boo boo boooooooooooo

So, after Empress assured me that the thing I needed the most was lots of water and deep sleep, she took Fat Diva home and I crawled ..literally..into bed and slept like the dead for nearly 12 hours.

And on Wed, I decided to walk 4 industrial blocks at sunset and enjoyed the summer breeze, ate a nectarine and drank some water during, and just curled my toes in the grass for a while...sucking wind toward the end...but I did it..

yay me!

now..the task is preventing any future brain chem bombs and entering into some peace treaty talks...cuz I am not interested in any meds, despite the joy and relief they have brought dearhearts I love..i just have to figure out something to unravel all this dross in a different way.

Those of you who deal with these regularly...I am so sorry...and hope you find the healing you need.

So onward and upward I trailblaze..hoping to find the strength to make a difference for me.

Blessings peeps...be careful out there.