2016. The Year The World Fell Down...a Story of Healing

Hey there blessed peeps...this is a doosey long post....hope you have your coffee....

Fat Diva has a lot to say in the next few weeks. Striving to make blogging about all that occurred for me.. and the world stage... in 2016 and 2017 thus far....it is immense.... a large part of it is my healing process.

Process is a demanding thing. It is also about discipline, of which, I have lost the art of...if I even had it to start. I would like to believe that in times in my life thus far,  I have been a far cry better at it than lately.

I really do not know where to begin in my download, so I will just back up to the start of 2016. ...triggered by the significance of the day I started writing this post..... Jan 10, 2017. (Not to actually finish and post until Aug 15th...but please.... read on, gentle readers)

Part I - January 2016 to March 2016
                        ENTER THE YEAR OF THE FIRE MONKEY...
ps....(I fucking loathe simians...as a rule..)
           
Today (1/10/17) marks the 1st anniversary of the death of David Bowie. A year ago today...the World started to fall down for me as well as the rest of this Blue Marble called Earth....

As The World Falls Down-David Bowie

Bowie's death.... It rocked my world... as it did for so many.... because his being ill with cancer was very private for him. We are just finding out that he was fighting it with hope until 3 months before he died, the doctors said treatment was no longer working. So David, the iconic super human that he was..still forged ahead and finished recording his 25th studio album....released on his 69th birthday...2 days before he would leave us.....

He was and remains..epic. My favorite quote of his as an artist is posted below....

The loss of this iconic artist sent a shock wave around the globe.... and his new album "Blackstar" would quickly sell millions and it spoke to us all as his love letter to everyone, about facing Death and being glorious anyway. As it should be....we so do not deal at all with the Death process here in the Western world...we must get better at it.

But we all slogged through our post Winter holidays stupor, and the staggering Bowie-sized hole in our collective Soul.... here in the US...the political machine was spewing forth vitriol that was the 2016 Presidential race  ...paving paths toward the Nov 2016 elections....the numbing of America began as our daily social media exposures fed us all the dirt being thrown in the air as everyone lumbered to the finish line...

February came ...and we were all still exhausted and tired.

I had not seen one of my Beloved Besties, Ms Chefanie, since early December due to our schedules. We had scheduled a date for mid Feb, but she asked to reschedule to see her other Bestie...asking me to understand..which I did...and sadly....we never got to reschedule.

On February 28th, 2016...my beautiful beloved sister friend returned suddenly to the stars she came from and my, and my Tribe's world, was shattered into a countless number of pieces.

The Most Beautiful Star I Know

Sadly, dearest reader...I have been through this losing of a Beloved many times in my middling young life thus far....many of our youngest have crossed over WAY too too young, Stephanie included. As a person who dedicated myself long ago to being a Valkyrie, a Death Maiden..I have had some practice with this whole bearing of the Chosen to the Rainbow Bridge gig....does not make it easier..but it is a calling...that is for sure.

Stephanie had contracted pneumonia, which was racing around the Twin Cities that Winter like a gruesome specter...taking young, old and everyone in between. I myself had been dealing with a chest plague for over 4 months..coughing a rib out of place that felt like I had punctured a lung ..which meant I was not with my family for the Dec 2015 Winter holidays.

Five days after Stephanie was taken, my Tribe turned to me and said..."Ok..enough...YOU ARE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL...Like NOW"

I had zero insurance, but I did not argue. I figured,,,..I would get diagnosed...get antibiotics, and go home. The ER was rife with respiratory distress folks. 12 hours later,  at 230am....it was determined I was going to be emitted into the hospital.

The Hell? Thankfully, my dearest chica, TangeeLaLa was with me to make sure it happened... as I was feeling against the idea....then I was informed.

2 ER DRS:  " Ms Fat Diva....you do not have pneumonia...you are on the razor edge of Congestive Heart Failure. Your heart is going on strike and your lungs are filling with fluid...cuz...you have no blood inside you...and so...you are shutting everything down." (while I am being blood transfused)

ME: "Um....so what are you saying Drs? "

THEM: (quiet look between them) "That is was a blessing you came in today...because another sleep would have been tragic"

ME: (looks at TangeeLaLa) " So....for real? (She nods) ...well....Fuck."

5 days in the hospital saw 3 blood transfusions to move my hemoglobin from "5" to above "7" ..which for me to go home had to happen.... an upper endoscopy, a colonoscopy, an echo-cardiogram, an ultrasound of my legs, chest, external scan of uterus (tried the internal..Gandalf said "None Shall Pass") and finally an iron transfusion...cuz evidently having your stored iron being at "4" is very bad.

Meanwhile, we are all still reeling from Stephanie's death ....so I am on the phone a lot with peeps helping figure out end of life stuff, how to go through some of her possesions to find needed things, and assist her beloved hubby...who also was recovering from pneumonia and had just lost his SoulMate... I was prone to crying at weird times, hanging with my Tribe that were always in an out (thankfully), calming my Mother down (she is up North and we told her not to worry about coming down yet) ...not sleeping due to tests and blood letting...and watching a lot of Law & Order and Criminal Minds on the hospital TV.

Have to say, receiving help getting on Medical assistance was amazing and EVERYONE I came in contact with at Regions Hospital in St Paul, MN was BEYOND AMAZING.....truly the best hospital in the Universe. BEST. I was so so blessed to be there. My Tribe rallied around me so epically...I am truly the luckiest Fat Diva in the Cosmos to be so blessed with such friends. Truly grateful.

My echo showed an enlarged heart, but they felt it was heal-able with no lasting damage if I got on a CPAP asap,  and got my iron up. The Hematologist Tribe still could not figure out why my blood was disappearing...so on to OBGYN stuff once out of hospital.

It would not all hit me until after I went home March 9th. I fiercely hugged my cats, Ioalus and Joxer..who were so very upset I was gone so long..sobbed for many many hours ....and tried to get back into a rhythm of Life again..slowly...because I still had zero stamina and breathing was exhausting...and the Grief Monster was present.

Made OBGYN appt asap to see about trying to look into my whoo-ha and talk about a BIRT birth control device to stop the uterus from shedding and retain my precious blood lifeforce. Since I was not interested in having children....ever...I was fine with that plan. My external ultrasound showed a thickening in the uterus lining, but they wanted to scope up there and see what was going on.

Now..I had to go to the hospital for that with my OBGYN cuz..hella no...I do not even go in my whoo -ha...knock my ass OUT and do all those things like measure and IUD and scope around...oy.

So April 27th...all that happened...there were some polyps found and a fibroid...all removed...but everything else looked fine and IUD was successfully placed...and so I waited for the test results.

May 4th, my OBGYN calls...

DR: (via phone)  " Hello, Fat Diva..I have some news. Test on fibroid was benign, but all 10 polyps came back as Stage 1, possibly 2, Endometrial cancer. I am so sorry. (silence from me) Are you ok? of course you are not ok..what a dumb question..I am sorry. I have referred you to Dr Teoh at the Cancer center Regions, and she will see you next week to go over options and get you on a plan..I am so sorry. Good luck"

ME: " Um...(choking sobs) thank you for your call"<click>

(insert shock here)

Now, as SUPER SUCKY as this news was....I was wailing a good ten minutes ...pissed at The Powers That Be because we had a deal that there was to be NO CANCER in my world. My maternal Grandmother died at 35 of breast cancer, and it broke my 13 year old Mamma right in half...so there was always this discussion going on between me and the Divine. Ichsnay on the canceray.

The SUCKIEST part? Calling my beloved Mamma, and telling her that I had cancer.

yeah....That....SUCKED....TOTAL....ASS. My Mamma is the greatest most precious thing to me in the whole Universe, and her crying is not acceptable. Booo.

So as everyone who has cancer does, I called in my Tribe for the total Woo-Woo Package VIP DELUXE, and we journeyed down to the Mighty Mississippi banks to pray on a rainy Dark Mooned night before I met the oncologist. Stood in the river, was baptized in holy water and prayed hard and fierce to cure my whoo-ha. That coupled with Dr's first option of trying hormone therapy first, via the IUD they already had in me, and the first plan was laid...

I started gathering my thoughts about WHY I had cancer in my whoo-ha...started the journey to energetically nailing what needed to be done...

And this healing process was also a big dose of Forgiveness.

We, as Humans Being...really do not grok forgiveness...as a rule

It and Love are really the vibrations of all the vast Infinite Cosmos.. we just struggle so much with them. Giving and getting. Allowing and releasing..

We pretty much suck at them both. But...when we DO excel at them...we are glorious.

These days....for sure....I am shooting for much more "glorious" in my subjective reality.

And here we shall end this chapter for now....and  look forward to our next coffee clutch together soon.

Be glorious, dear readers. I love you. Hearts are strong and can heal...have Faith.

Fat Diva

Hey there peeps,

I am doing a thing...Over on the Facebook's...please come be a member in sacred dance space and pick up the challenge for your Self Love, Joy and Healing...I triple dog dare you....

Fat Diva Dance Challenge 2016

Description :

Fat Diva challenges you to dance every day on film for 1 min and triple dares you to share it here. Be happy, shake your asses, heal yourself, and heal our world...one fantastic minute at a time...

as inspired by the page "Danse avec moi, une minute par jour's" by Christine in Quebec

Note-This is a CLOSED group so we can create and manage SACRED and LOVING Space for members to have support in overcoming body hatred and healing from trauma and Life experiences. 

This space is intended for ZERO judgement .... Haters will be transmuted....

Naked Hammer Time....this is bad ass...

as a former shot putter and a State qualyfying discus thrower...this is inspiring me to refocus on my body...

enjoy


click here for bad ass naked fat chica

Let's Talk About Painted Vaginas

Did I get you with the cleverly worded title ? Yes? No?

Wait! Don't leave yet!  I promise ...I DO talk about vaginas..and painted ones.. eventually...but first...

Let's talk about The Intentional Creativity Movement.

I was blessed to discover the revolutionary work and art of Shiloh Sophia McCloud in early December of 2012. It was so incredibly surreal to me, I actually FELT the Universe leading me there by the heart strings..and plugging me into something I am to be involved with next. Not only was her work gorgeous, and Divine Feminine based...but it was in joyous alignment with the work I was doing in my tribal circles with the power of Sound/Sonics and teaching the womens' to open their pie-holes and sing ...

(How to find out more about Shiloh Sophia McCloud-Lewis and the Cosmic Cowgirls:)
Shiloh's Work
Cosmic Cowgirls info

Flashback December 2012....here was this amazing access to this amazing work. I was signed up to start doing something I have been TERRIFIED of doing most of my life, (which was painting)...and I was all ready with my canvases, paints, brushes etc...and then I lost my dear soul brother Adam less than 3 weeks later....and the devastation was beyond epic.

I tried..I tried to use the creative process to aid me in staying afloat in the tsunami of grief and loss..so so close on the heels of losing my father less than 11 months before that..

In theory ,  it would help me right? IN theory and IN fact...articles upon articles of proof that the creative process is beyond healing, and useful to recover from a plethora of ailments of the body, mind and spirit...for fuck sake... I TEACH this shit ...but I could not jack into it to help me ...WTHell?

Part of my year long absence was tied up in this quandary. And in fact..my entire world started to shut down...my mind, my physical body, my spirit..as if I was chasing my soul around trying to keep it in the air like a slowly deflating balloon...and in the end..about October of  2013...I had to call it and stop everything creative and otherwise in my life...or I knew I would not be here very long...because things had to drastically shift...

So after an 18 month period of denial and just existing ..barely.. lots of numbness and doing  'next to nothing" which for me is bizarre and not normal...I slowly started to crawl back to the creative side of myself...but in very, very small pieces...

In working toward studying the Color of Woman Technique with Maestra Shiloh Sophia,  I am currently enrolled in her The Red Madonna series where we "slow paint" one piece over the course of the Lunar year. I started this journey with smaller classes like The Mary Magdalene and Visionary Woman...but this current course is  a very deep shamanic and spiritual journey where I am challenged to ask myself questions like "What is my story I am telling myself about WHO I am ?"

Deep stuff..

And it all ties into the Self Love and Self Worth factors that my physical body is unraveling . I can not express the importance of doing this work being vital to my very ability to draw breath..and it has been very very potent and sometimes arresting in its intensity...when I just have to lie down on the ground and be fetal for a while as I process the digging around and releasing of ME.

And the hardest part is that is takes as long as it takes. It IS what it IS and there is no making it "''GO faster and happen less messy...it just IS" ...and that is a state most humans avoid with every atom of their Being because it is terrifying..

... we paint lots of vaginas ..or portals... from the Cosmic Mother to get ourselves prepped for the process of painting with the breath of The Divine running through us..and i super suck at it right now.. which is new for me in a creative endeavor..as I usually pick up on stuff fast..but this painting thing... S L O W to learn, but I am obsessed with becoming more than GOOD at it eventually..

So the slow crawl toward the Me that IS has begun and I am working with a wonderful nutritional therapist to help me with the physical and energetic body stuff.... hard doings, but each time we work on the issues is one baby step closer to healing myself.

This is most likely the hardest work I have ever had to do, and I have done some pretty hard stuff in my 45 years... but this is the most important...for sure.

so that is an update of sorts. I will post some progress pics of paintings as we get going on them..

it is all about the growth...right?....

Fat Diva is Alive. Film at 11

Truly..I am still here...though there have been some very close calls.... I can not BELIEVE it has been nearly a year since I last posted...literally one day short of....

MY

BAD

So so so much to tell...and I am committing to making it here minimum once per week so I can get back on track with the blogger world as I build up that thing.

So looking forward to sharing with you, Universe...though..you already know EVERYTHING....don't you?

Living in the Molasses Swamp...just south of the GumDrop Mountains

 Burnout teaches you what it takes to be splendidly human, wondrously creative, and intrinsically you
~ Leonie Dawson  www.leoniedawson.com

Hello there, dearest ones.....Fat Diva here.. working through the piles of pain and anguish to look up, weakly smile, and let the world know I am endeavoring to persevere...I would stake a flag in every millimeter of ground had I the strength to do so...

We are dealing with a complex health crisis...new to the mix...thyroid issues...no...we are not at all surprised...recent conversations with the Mamma about childhood-ness helped clue us into some work to be done there..oy...very very complicated to unravel.

So far we are looking at a layered cake effect of Body Sadness :

Acute Insomnia ( for over 3.5 months now)
Adrenal Fatigue
Leaky Gut Syndrome
Candidia
Thyroid (not sure if hypo or hyper at this point)
Pagophagia (iron anemia that leads to obsessive ice chewing...I know...weird...and bad for teeth..which are also sad)
Restless Leg
Acute menses cramps (though regular last 8 months for first time since 8th grade...win?)
Depression ( I know.... you are shocked)

Oddly, and thankfully, my chronic migraines have been fewer the last few months

I am in the process of some hair analysis being done and some bloodwork tests to get the factoids together so we can figure out a nutritional and supplemental plan. Thank Goddess for the interwebs and the research that can be done, despite having to wade through tons of not true crap...it is something we are blessed to have access to.

The question of which crisis to attack first is what we wait for..I have been stabbing around, thinking I knew which way to go, but the persistent and rude companion of Insomnia is starting to make my brain far less rational...and the id/ego- monsters roaming unchecked in the Inter -Realms of the Fat Diva are queuing and rumors are ...they are looking to unionize.

So we fight them off hourly and hope the abundance angels are able to heed our prayers for energy tools so we can choose wisely and execute wiser plans of recovery better..

I am thankful for the support circles I have, we are keeping each other on the road..though sometimes the vehicles are careening too near the edge....

In the mean time, much self reflection, reconstructing of neuro-pathways, oodles of kitty snuggles, ignoring of domestics, and lots of bone broth, ginger tea, and continuing to decrease the sugar, gluten and dairy input...and we sleep when we can and just work at being gentle with the Self...that is a shattered creature that we are hoping the bits of brightly colored threads woven to and fro...with lots of glitter to cover up the mushy parts... will suffice.

May you find more Self Love in your day than ever...we all need it to thrive.

Love
Fat Diva

Dross, Dross and more Dross

Hey dear readers...jsut a short blurb of Fat Diva's shenanegains...

I am in acute adrenal fatigue...

yep...... I figured out why I have been so sick..at least part of it...also need to give up gluten...which sucks, but have done it before...but is a process on its own..so I am sleeping...alot

alot alot alot

 I am using the energy of this Mercury Retrograde in my Sun Sign of Scorpio to look at patterns, jettison lots of dross...did  I mention alot?

like epic shit tons of alot...epic epic epic...

so I will come up for air here and there, but know I am am kicking the stuff out that does not work..and I expect a few pounds will release as well..becasue we all know.. our emotional and mental body feeds our physical one..and all layers need a serious enema or cosmic colonic


how about you? if you do not deal with it now...it will literally kill you..and I love you you..so don't die...ok?

check it out..

Cosmic Path website

later peeps...get it done

love
Fat Diva

A Deep Field

There are so many times in my day, that I struggle to push through such dross of ennui and bullshit I have built up around myself...it is hard sometimes just trying to remember to breathe...

We all do this..our inner mind chatter is the most icky Gumdrop Swamp to overcome...we fight it.... every second....of every hour....etc.etc...

Lately..I have been suffering from acute insomnia...and have figured out I am in a state of adrenal fatigue.

It's my own fault and not asking for sympathy or anything..I have made the mess, now I am cleaning it up...but as I have been up late, I have been looking at the stars a lot.

Growing up on a farm in Northern MN, I spent an enormous amount of time gazing at the stars...and in moving to the city, there is not nearly enough sky to look at with the city lights pollution obscuring it ..

 I am reminded these late nights ...that the world we make for ourselves daily...is so, so small. We THINK that our world (s) are these big creations of epic-ness that contain the sum of all our parts..our hopes, dreams, passions, families, loves, hates, struggles, failures...and fears... mostly...lots of fears.

Many times I find myself stopping from thinking  'bigger"..and trust me ...I am a BIG BIG BIG picture person...and I wonder why I do that..... aside from being afraid.

I have written in the past about how tired I am of keeping myself smaller so others are more comfortable, and yet it is not so easy to own my "bigness"...I am working on it.. this is very deep deep work because it means taking myself down to the nub and rebuilding ...becoming  WHO I am as opposed to who I THINK I am...and that is a long transformational journey.

These days...as it is harder to stay in the deep work...I am looking at the stars more...so I remind myself that the 'bigness" is out there..and that the crazy things like this photo that the Hubble telescope took..is a TINY quantum fraction of the night sky...and contains thousands of GALAXIES with in that sliver of sky...and that regardless of the fears I am facing in mastering my Epicness...that there is more than enough room in the vast cosmos to hold space for me to be as BIG as I can imagine....


so...hey..... look up at night....it's all out there for you......and remember....that we are all made of stars....

Loves
Fat Diva

Sadly.... not like Bull...

I used to be very strong.

Physically....

I have had folks move furniture with me and freak out when I have lifted bookcases, dressers,my end of the futon/bed and they say "Whoa! Holy crap you are freakishly strong!"

Fat Diva recently got herself into a swimming pool at the end of Aug and beginning of Sept (see a fore mentioned HOT-ness in the Midwest belch of that time period)

It was great. I love to swim. Grew up on lake resort in WI and swimming a the time...I am indeed a mermaid and or whale like creature.

Once in the water...good luck getting me out....like...seriously...good luck.

Sadly, the modern tub is not a joy for my Divaness nor my Berserker Viking  DNA height...so...lots and lots of shower time.....lots..

Water....it is medicine to me..and I had realized that first swim, that I had not submerged myself in a large body of water since the Gulf when in Mexico in June 2010...what? that is just not right...

So..there I was, working out in the pool...3 hours one day, 2 hours the next week...and then it was discovered....that fact that...

I am no longer freakishly strong....not at.all.

I figure, my life the last 7 years has resulted in a loss of at least 35% of the muscle mass of my legs....and that is me being kind to myself.

I was BLOWN away..."what.. what is all this...jiggly stuff ??? " (yay water for it's illuminating anti gravity skills). WHERE ARE MY LEGS??

No wonder the lungs have been in revolt and the tiredness etc.

So.. we know how to do this..it will be hard...but we have the data to correct it..

I have sussed out a place to go swim without it being a meat market of weirdness and shame,. and it is far to expensive to access as a full gym...but I found a joyous place for healing in the water.

I am looking forward to a winter of warm pool therapy access and some deep water resistance training.

It will take a few years to regain what I lost, but the shock of it being gone was a very huge bonus to my system.

And water brings me such joy, so it is not really like excersise..

not really...

Hope you are smacked with revelations this Fall, dear readers... Mercury goes retrograde in Scorpio on Oct 21- Nov 10, 2013

If you  have no idea what that means...see links below.

Perfect Cosmic help in cleaning out the dross and letting go at the time of the Bone Mother as we approach the New Year (Samhain) If  you do not know what any of that means...Google and Wikipedia are your friends

We all have deep inner work to look to...and get it done. Time is of the essence...even when you bend it , like I do.

A Ho,

Fat Diva

Mercury Retrograde info

Great Astrology site

Fat Diva's Inferno

So...my store is 106 degrees today. I am sitting in pools of sweat..which is SUPER awesome for my customers and I to be a part of...but the brutality of the heat here in the upper Midwest is crushing us all like wee bugs.

So today"s blog will be short as I am sticking to everything...>BLECH!!

But today is about being fierce in spite of everyone and everything Life lobs at you.

This is fierce

Let it be known..... fat Russian ballerinas are the epitome of fierce....

If they can do that, I can sit here in 106 degrees and do my mojo and whine a bit less.

What can you whine a bit less about today?

Be fierce, I dare you.

Love and "it's too hot to touch hugs from a distance"

Fat Diva

Having My World Rocked....

So yesterday, as I was about to head out on a consult for a wedding of some friends...I was gifted with a blog article  that stunned me like a smack across the face.

I am not going to share it here..I might later..but the jist of it was a public apology/ open letter from a woman who had worked in the diet industry, and she was apologizing to her former clients. Apologizing for her 'helping" them with their weight issues through the program/product/employer she was working for/with.

As I sat outside waiting for my ride,my cheek still smarting from the  "Pay attention, Fat Diva" blow from the Universe....I read the article/letter and began to cry as I processed what it said, so plainly and raw.

I am still internally weighing how I feel about the blog, and my reaction to it...as my Being is actually still percolating a reaction to it.

needless to say...it was a game changer in so many things in Fat Diva Land...so many things.

I can choose to see it as the clarification I have been asking for...as Fabeku Fatunmise would say.."my BOOM!"....

or I can choose to work to strike a balance with the information I am digesting, and how I choose to do business in the health and wellness industry...

or I can rage against the machine and pound my fist bloody, hoping to be heard...

or I can just ignore it all and continue enjoying this lovely tasting sand....

or I can run away screaming as if I am fire...

which ever the outcome......mindfulness is most assuredly needed in moving forward.

I am sorry to be vague and cryptic...it is all just too fragile to see the light of day ...partially formed and vulnerable..

stay tuned, peeps...and remember to open your heart and your Inner Ears to the Universe talking to you...cuz it is loving you all the time....even when you can not tell.

Pax, may we find lots of it soon
Love-Fat Diva

well....that was interesting....

So...last week at this time, I was doing my Fat Diva thing, working the live -long-day...and from the moment I awoke..was sure I was not in my meat suit correctly...as if my left leg was twisted a bit...and I was dizzy and spacey, and my heart was fluttering a lot.


a lot a lot.

read some interwebs pages, did some meditations, made some calls to some peeps..all the while
S-----L-----O-----W-----L-----Y------ sliding into a kind of hysteria...while still servicing my customers and making the day go.

and looking into what it feels like for women to have a heart attack...which I was not completely convinced was NOT happening...

as the work-a-day moved on...the hysteria and weepy started clawing it's way into my fore-brain and by the end of the work day...at 730pm..i was fetal on the floor of my store, sobbing and rocking back and forth like a wee-bairn...thinking..this is it..I am going to die here.

Enter the beautiful Empress and she came and smudged me down, grounded me. and held my hand as she explained to me

"You are having an intense panic attack, dearheart. Just breathe and ride it out"

HOLY CRAP, dear readers....what an awful thing. I am sure there are more awful things than that medically to experience, but as a migraine sufferer..with spine structural issues...i have a pretty deep threshold for pain...this...this was a brain chemistry bomb going off in my embassy of Being.

boo

boo boo boooooooooooo

So, after Empress assured me that the thing I needed the most was lots of water and deep sleep, she took Fat Diva home and I crawled ..literally..into bed and slept like the dead for nearly 12 hours.

And on Wed, I decided to walk 4 industrial blocks at sunset and enjoyed the summer breeze, ate a nectarine and drank some water during, and just curled my toes in the grass for a while...sucking wind toward the end...but I did it..

yay me!

now..the task is preventing any future brain chem bombs and entering into some peace treaty talks...cuz I am not interested in any meds, despite the joy and relief they have brought dearhearts I love..i just have to figure out something to unravel all this dross in a different way.

Those of you who deal with these regularly...I am so sorry...and hope you find the healing you need.

So onward and upward I trailblaze..hoping to find the strength to make a difference for me.

Blessings peeps...be careful out there.

"Et tu, Brute?"

People.

Some say...ya gotta love them. Really? Do I, really?

Hmmm.. I know deep in my heart ....I do. Love them, that is. Goddess bless me, but I have to.

But when I say "them" I REEEEALLLY need to include myself in that pronoun of generality....right?

Self -love...it is a tough card for me. And it gets even harder when I read the Mass Media bullshit headlines, blogs, and sound bytes of the daily grind.....

Thank Goddess I have a wondrous support system and we have the interwebs to connect us all to our tribe- at- large..(that's punny!)

But seriously......I am raising a red flag, or better yet...an upside down American flag of distress here today...and waving it wildly in the air...

I grow more and more alarmed everyday at the Fascists and corporate overlords who are buying up everything and everyone.... waging this VERY OPEN- VERY PUBLIC campaign of extreme hatred against fat people.

Are we ...the fat people...going to have to hold festivals to honor and celebrate our "UN-conformity" and wage a right's battle on Capital Hill and in legislation everywhere...just to have a right to exist? Or are we just getting crucified and shoved into some trains soon...and taken to a hot place..??

Cuz....I will cut a bitch...and bastard...equally...no prejudice required.... and so will my peeps...

In regards to the Shakespearean quote of "Et tu, Brute?"...I cite this in reference not to the suggestion that Caesar was saying to Brutus..."You ass, I thought you had my back...fucker"...but in the interpretation that is more akin to  "Hey Brutus (also translated means dull or stupid in Latin)...you're next....asshat."

The current social/economic climate looks to be trending hard that way. If I were not so angry, it would scare the POOP right out of me...and some might say.."Hey Fat Diva, that is great because ya know...you would weigh less " and I say to those people.

Shut. your. pieholes.

And just wait until Obama Care kicks in....... Fatties?... start prepping for Fatpocalypse...

We live in a world here in the Western cultures, where we are fed food that has ZERO nutrition, is messed with by untried and tested "science" (looking at you GMO asshatery...stop fucking with the bees....and everything else) that is driven by MEGAcorporations that wish to reap (rape) the money from us while feeding us sawdust...yes, dear reader.... and soon Soylent Green is people...you watch...we are already allowing this to happen to our farm animals...and then we get the BigPharma telling us we are fat because we LACK the willpower to OBVIOUSLY stop stuffing our faces with crap food that is filled with fat, salt, fake sugar (but at LEAST it is low fat, thank JeeBus)  and...yes.. soon that added flavor of people (see above)..and THEN...insult upon injury... the MASS (funny that word used to describe them)  media enforces that we feel like shit about ourselves because we can not live life up to, or be like, the .000000008 % of the Beautiful Cool Kids we see AIRBRUSHED (who are secretly sucking down Epsom salt to stay thin)... in any media bytes we are watching...sadly CHOOSING to watch......so we get depressed ....which makes us do what? you got it!... eat more crap from Big Agra and then go to the Dr, INC ....who treats us like muck beneath his shoe because we require "the big cuff " to check the blood pressure..then we EAT more drugs he gives us (isn't that his job...drug pusher for the overlords? or am I mistaken?) because SHOCKINGLY....can you believe it?  We are fucking depressed......so to top that joyful ride off...we then go outside in Social Land...wher the "people" are... and enjoy the sweet privilege of being shamed by EVERYONE because we obviously can not CONTROL ourselves in the snacks aisle and now " YOU PEOPLE are going to cost the tax payers of this country BILLIONS of dollars in health care costs because YOU ARE A LOSER.....and just can not stop eating EVERYTHING!"

(pause)

(screaming aloud)....ARE>YOU>FUCKING>KIDDING>ME?


GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so so angry. In case you missed that factoid...I am.

And working in the world of heath and wellness, I see the results of this Ride TO Hell on the faces and souls of my customers..who just want to live their lives, raise their babies, and be happy.

Yes, many of us have made choices that effect our fattness ...and shit, even called that into being.....Talk to me about Journeys down dark roads and finding our broken selves again, then being brave enough to love all the pieces as a whole..but that is another blog..

.in the meantime...

How do you even DARE be happy and be fat?

Even when you work toward becoming healthier...which is subjective and unique to each soul on the planet...(I am fat..and pretty damn healthy for where I am at...) fat folks are kicked and spit on the entire way they are trying to walk their walk...people driving by in cars while we are out exercising ....and they ...the "people"....feel it is their God- Given -Right  to share their opinion, good or bad..on what we are doing, or eating in a restaurant, or shopping for clothes..

WAIT...daydream time!! (dooddlydoodoodlydoodoodlydoo)

Imagine..... if I just decided to inform every parent I saw in my daily life about my opinion about them choosing to raise 3-6+ kids in a world where resources are unequally distributed amongst the peoples of the World,  and how offended I am they they can not "say no" to sex, and how they OBVIOUSLYdo not use contraceptives. I tell them ...please!  spare the world 3+ more of your entitled, bratty kids who always are ripping shit they did not buy off the retail shelves I am trying to stock..I ask them.."DO you live on a farm? Do you need these kids to work the land, or go work in the factory while you sit at home and dream of other places to screw your spouse so you can remain addicted to the rush of hormones you feel while pregnant...? because you seriously can not love the having kids part when you let them run a muck and annoy everyone trying to shop."....imagine a world where I could say that..

(Reality returns) But you can tell me  "maybe I should have a salad instead of an entree as you casually walk by my restaurant table, where I am minding my own business and enjoying the company of friends? And think I will not hear you when you say it under your breath? Really?...FUCK YOU.

Fat Prejudiced is ACCEPTED and ENCOURAGED BY EVERYONE.

Now....tell me how long YOU could withstand that shit and be successful in healing your self..mind -body and spirit...cuz guess what Dr -Wanna -Be-God-sauces....and Peoples Who are Hating Themselves and Have To Take It Out On Fatties...

.....it-is-all-connected

read this article..yes it is a MMS thing...shhh

I hope that other sane folks who feel this trend is dangerous and alarming start to speak up and ask the questions, and DEMAND answers....."How do we stop the madness?.."What the hell?" "We have to end this " etc" ...at least for the sake of the damn children....please Jee Bus...and all Holy Beings everywhere...we .no wait.. as the pronoun earlier cited....."they"...the "peoples"  have gone MAD....MADDD!!!
..send the Ezekiel Wheels....HURRY!

I am ready.

 I have always known I would most likely leave this world on fire, strapped to a pole..and I am at peace with fighting to the death for my beliefs and for the sake of others I believe in...the question I ask you, dearest reader is...look to your own life and it's habits and desires....are you real with yourself about what is happening?...not just to fat people, but things that CONTINUE to happen to folks who are maybe not like you,believe like you,  look like you, think like you..?.

Are you next? Cuz we are there....we are already there...and divide and conquer is very much forefront on the minds of those who would oppress us..

I leave you to ponder with the words from our not -so- distant past...



First they came for the communists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a communist.
Then they came for the socialists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a socialist.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.
Then they came for me,
and there was no one left to speak for me.

~ Martin Niemöller (1892–1984)

 Be Mindful your words, your thoughts, your deeds, and Be the change you want to see in the World...I am working on that myself...

Thanks for reading, peeps..Fat Diva is off to prep for battle...what are YOU doing?

Fat Diva Loves Her Some Random Strangers....

I met an angel once.

Actually, let me back up...I have met angels many times in the Dreamtime..but this angel...was here..in 3D Land. Full on fleshed out right before my eyes.

Groovy story...regardless how you might feel about the validity of a person meeting angels..here in 3D Land or in the Dreamtime...but that is your deal, and I respect that.

My deal goes like this....

Long ago...say about 1994-1996 ish...can not recall exactly when..it was long ago.... I was working a sports celebrity event Jim Marshall was throwing.... with my bestie, Pamazon...and the Guest of Honor, aside from some MN Sports greats like Kent Hrbeck, (SUPER nice guy BTW) was the actor John Amos.

For his deets, click here:
 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Amos

Anyway, so we are doing this celebrity auction in support of inner city youth ...and after the party was wrapping up and a few of us were sitting at the bar listening to these great stories John was sharing, he decided he was not done, and that we all needed to go find a reggae bar to go dancing at. Luckily, we were down at the Fine Line, and a jaunt over to The Red Sea on the West Bank was not out of the way.

However, Pamazon and I are two...very Diva-esque white chicks...and I was in my late 20's and Pamazon is 12 years my senior...not that age has much to do with it, shit, John and most of the peeps we were with were far older than that...it was just...a reggae bar? Seriously? and we were in formal-esque attire as well...so we weight the option and said......sure...wth! and off we went.

So we get to the Red Sea...on a Saturday night...TOTALLY packed...great Bob Marley cover band playing... and bestie and I look at each other a crossed a sea of lots and lots of short folks...and we start laughing...like..."are you kidding me? Are we really here? Is this happening?" and as I stood there, awkward and thinking, "we should just go".... a TINY little Rasta man came vaulting...I kid you not...He SPRUNG out of the dance floor crowd, seized my wrist like a vise, and yanked me into the center of the dance floor...and proceeded to ROCK.HIS.FACE.OFF....and after a breath of.."HOLYSHITWHATDOIDONOW?"..I threw myself into the music with abandon and rocked my Fat Diva ass off as well.

It.
Was
Glorious.

So, one would think this was the end of a tale, but it is not...so sadly, the bar was close to closing, so dance your face off time only happened for about 20-30 minutes tops before it was time to leave...John had a blast and hugged us all fiercely as we poured out of the club, all sweaty and giddy.  out we stumbled into the early summer night..and as goodbyes were trailing on in their MN way..I stepped off down the sidewalk a store length or so to catch my breath, adrenaline pumping through me and a HUGE Fat Diva smile on my face...

I use to live in the McKnight Building in the Cedar Place highrise in college, so I was very familiar with this corner...and as it was late, there was no one really around unless they came out of Red Sea, or the 400 Bar...and as I sucked in air and reset my center...I remarked to myself how odd it was that the street was so empty, Red Sea spill out excepted.

Then I heard this soft voice come from my blindside on my lower right ...and it said " You have such a beautiful smile. What are you so happy about?"

I kid you not, this cat was literally within my auric field, and I had not seen or felt him approach..he was just...not there...then there...but he did not scare me...he was a very small Asian looking gentleman, could have been a homeless person, or just a  dude...tho I recall him wearing a parka- like coat, and it not being cold..

I turned, not in a startled way,  and bubbled forth some words about how awesome it was to dance and the music was so great and how could I NOT be elated when life is so groovy....and the rush of it all...

He smiled and nodded ...and then said "We watch you, ya know...and it is loved most by all of us when you sing. You need to sing. Sing."

My eyes opened wide , and I stammered a bit as I said..."yes..I do..er..will....I am glad...huh?"
( I know...super eloquent of me, eh? And truth be told, at the time, I was not singing very much and was all mucked up about it)

I turned left quickly to see if Pamazon was coming and then looked right back at him to ask more about the singing, and he was gone...in thin air..not walking across the street, or down the street...just...gone...

I knew then in my heart of hearts, without question, that  I had had a run in with a seraphim- like being.

Pamazon found me shortly and I babbled the experience to her....she being a person of deep Spirit....we hugged and shook our heads about what a weird and wonder- filled night it was...and we got in the car to go..

That day has never left me. Not sure what to do with it, other than maybe knowing the comfort that we are being watched over...by loved ones, angels, guardians, those with our highest good at the heart...and that as hard as this 3D world can be ...there is something much  more to be gained from living it.

Play hard, Love deep, Sing and Dance your faces off, my pretties...

When Life Is A Shitstorm...Eat Cake..(or at least dreamblog about it)

Hello peeps...been a while

Fat Diva is sorry....life has been...well...certainly NOT boring.

Sometimes, I think of what it might be like to live a life where nothing happens....then I get bored.

So let's see..recap of Fat Diva News from September to now.

in the infamous words of Eddie Izzard...

Death
Death
Death

Lunch

Seems the Rapture did not gobble up humankind at the "End of The World 12-21-12" party, but is certainly smarted for many of us in my world. I am convinced it is happening in a slow trickle...and looking around at so many transitions of peeps...I am sure of it..

My dearest Adam, creative partner in crime, bestie- friend -soul -brother transitioned from us on Dec 21, 2012 at the young age of 30. I was the last person to see him alive that morning.

Needless to say, on the wings of my Father's transitioning  in Jan of 2012, this was not a joyful year for Fat Diva. Sure there were good points, but the not good, not easeful, not happy parts....were epic. And looking around my circles, close and several degrees away...there is much much death and mayhem a foot. Tis the times I am sad to say. We are all moving through the muck and mire and clarifying the butter that is our lives.

mmmm....butter...

Grief is a weird and crafty beasty....it is a wicked justify-er, shrewd and slithery negotiator, and it's a sneaky bastard to boot...you never know when it is going to get the jump on you...could be anywhere, any time..and yet EVERY time it springs upon your back, or side swipes you with a hip-check of Doom...you are actually surprised...provided you can ascertain quickly who was driving that Sherman Tank that just plastered you to the floor to be peeled up like a fruit roll- up by your friends, or random strangers....oy...Grief...am I your bitch?

Which brings us to cake.

I really want some...REALLY want some.

I am not in a place where I am denying myself anything.....but....cake...dreaming about it...and more death.

Truth be told......food tastes "off/wrong" to me. I eat because I know I have to fuel the machine with something that makes it "go" through the motions. Don't much care right now what it is...sadly...not helping the health focus.

Despite all the planning, prepping,and research, getting of the lovely NutriBullet machine, collecting recipes to detox organs and just have a creative palate of juices.... to do a juice fast and smoothie cleanse starting in the Fall of 2012..I have been hindered...

My current running software is as follows: (ahem)

"I will start this cleanse/journey after....... the pre- holiday-nope-now-after-shows-go-up-Stop!-now- post- cat- surgery-and his-recovery-crap-now-after -the-funeral -wait-must-helm-all-the-shows-alone-without-Adam-wait!!-family -dynamics-take-everything-we-built-and-trashing-it-fuck!!doh!- after- my- fish dies -which- I -had -to -facilitate -myself -super-sad -and -sucky -and - now- after -our- chorus- show- is -done- in -Feb- when -the- hell -am- I- going -to- clean -my -house- ugh -I- can- not- believe -I -live- here- in -this-filth-crap-packed-loft-crap-crap-crap!!! "

I cry shenanigans on myself and the Universe..now bring me some fucking cake...I EARNED it!!

I do not think it is really about shoving a frosting laden piece of vanilla-y moist cake-y goodness into my piehole...I think it is about the IDEA of cake. That after all this craptasic struggle, I deserve a reward. And it's the realizing that "cake = reward" that makes me look at the emotional content of that little seemingly innocent equation...and I realize I have such a long way to go...which I knew...but that my need to feel better needs to outweigh the instant gratification of CAKE on my poorly-translating-yummy-flavors-cuz-it-seems-to-be-broken tongue.

Glad I am not driving right now .... I can not just run to the store to fulfill such synopsis of my brain body signals. Thank Goddess..or my ass would have 2 zip codes.

So I have to THINK about it a bit, and then wait for a bit while the thought/craving/destructive behavior is not fulfilled, and it moves on like a hungry wolf pack ...onto weaker deerfolk...

Working in the business of health and wellness with Seattle Sutton's....I see lots of folks struggling with food and how they have built it to control their every moment. And I do not want to be that anymore.

I love food. I am a hedonist. That is going to be a forever for this lifetime thing...but it is always about choices. So I am just making sure I am as conscious about it is possible

I hope my taste-buds return to normal soon. I think it might be a grief thing...so only high levels of salt, sweet, or fat make it through the brain fog and heart trauma of being so, so sad. I am not enjoying anything about eating right now..and it annoys me.

Hopefully..this will pass, and the cake dreams will fade a bit....as will the real life epic death around me

Besides...I am so much more of a pie girl these days.

Keep it real , folks...be brave enough to be happy.

Loves
Fat Diva

I AM the Tardis...for real?

Now first, let me pontificate how much work I am doing to keep myself in the Flow of all things Heart Minded (in a spiritual path/choice way) and that I am doing a LOT of deep breathing everyday so as to not go all Pele' on the masses asses.,.....seriously...DEEP as the fathomless ocean deep breathing......(sucks in the oxygen)....I am not always good at that...and mean people suck..

There is such a rush of words and emotions here...I hope Fat Diva can make some sense...I will tangent in pieces, then in swift non-sequitur Eddie Izzard fashion, I PROMISE I will tie it all back together in relevance..and hopefully with liberal doses of genius humor as the Great Eddie does.

Much of my life has been spent in the "above average" in all things..in height, in size, in energy, in voice, in laughter, in rage, in chaos, in drama, in sadness.......I.Am.Epic...to say the least.

AND...I have recently..through my spiritual work....come to realize ...if you can believe it ....I have been living my life veryverytinysmall...for fear of being TOO much of Everything and thus make others around me uncomfortable or sad,jealous,enraged, <insert other adjectives here infinitude...fuck yes... it is a real word>

This was a revolution of thought for me...It had been mentioned to me in the not so distant past..(thank you friends..you know who you are)..but it is one thing to have folks share, speak wisdom, and outside observations of you TO you...but to internally have your  "eureka/holy FUCK" moment....yeah..that is when shit gets real....really fast.

So ...in discovering that ..hmmm..perhaps my world is as fubared as it is in many places, especially the Self Love/Body love area...because I am living my life way way too small and that ..oh  maybe..just MAYbe...I have manifested this Fat Diva Meat Suit for the 3rd dimensional proof that I am one of the finest alchemists this Universe has ever seen...I mean..shit..Look how FABULOUS A MESS I MADE... this manifested reality is chaos...and...I did that!

AND if I ACTUALLY lived my life FULLY ...then anything I want to do is MORE than possible...by living LARGE...like cosmos large....

and....(loves me the conjunction-junctions) in denying myself the Self Love I have not allowed...and by worrying that others would dislike me being all bright and shiny ... I created exactly what I loathed would happen all those thousands of journal pages ago..

Wow.. I am good. Right?

Now the task of learning how to be as bright big shiny and Massive as I AM...and better understanding how and why I store my energy the way I do.

There is just not really and EASY button for this Human living thing, is there?...I know I know...we all came here to experience the ride...I hear you, I get it...now...to apply the principles..back to school I go...

I know some may observed this thought process as some Eckhart Tolle- New -Agey -Laws of Attraction-Crappy -Crap...and if you do...that's fine...and if it makes you feel uncomfortable.....

Good. Suck it....with a side of Love...

word.


EDIT: NO FRAKIN WAY...I AM THE TARDIS...HE SAID SO
THIS was my Free Will Astrology horoscope by Rob Breznsy's from the week of Feb 12 2015

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning February 12
Copyright 2015 by Rob Brezsny 
http://FreeWillAstrology.com

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In the TV science-fiction show *Doctor Who,* 
the title character lives in a time machine that is also a spaceship. It's 
called a Tardis. From the outside, it appears to be barely bigger than a 
phone booth. But once you venture inside, you find it's a spacious 
chateau with numerous rooms, including a greenhouse, library, 
observatory, swimming pool, and karaoke bar. This is an excellent 
metaphor for you, Scorpio. Anyone who wants your love or friendship 
must realize how much you resemble a Tardis. If they don't understand 
that you're far bigger on the inside than you seem on the outside, it's 
unlikely the two of you can have a productive relationship. This Valentine 
season, as a public service, make sure that everyone you're seriously 
involved with knows this fact.

RAW-r or Not RAW-r? aka Doomed Horizon

so...you have not heard much from the Fat Diva lately..and I am sad for that...Life just gets all Life-y and this year has been brutal on many in my circles and I am weathering the storms and tsunami swells myself...oy.

I know I am not alone in this wee-little-life-raft-made-of-noodles...so...enough of that.

One of the things, as it relates to being Fat Diva..is that I have been doing a bunch of research and contemplation about adding a bunch of Raw Food lifestyle into the Fat Diva Land mixer.


So I am looking at the pros and cons...cons being not that the lifestyle is bad..it is not...but how can Fat Diva implement it into her OWN worldview...that is a much more interesting puzzle...

I have a pal looking to do some similar changes, so we are knocking our gorgeous noggins together and seeing what we can make happen...

I have been feeling for a long time, my body crave the juicy juice detox gifty...and it is about carving out a space in the CrazySchedule to make myself important enough, my house clean enough, and the grocery shopping affordable enough to do a 10 day juice cleanse and reset. that sounds like excuses...i am choosing to see it as a Reality Check Opportunity...Raw Food/Juicy Food is high maintenance, and expensive in the urban setting...one would think as myself..I would be use to that...but I am not. One one gets into this scene...it can simplify as economy of motion kicks in...but that takes time.

My gluten intolerance is tipped over as well. Now, I  am not allergic...just sensitive after several years of eating without the mindfulness for that...

also..my acidity is harsh and need to focus on the alkaline making of the body pH.

so LOTS of Self Love work to do...did I mention that I suck at that?

Lost some peeps recently ...way to young for Death...and health issues...and have some more peeps dealing with health challenges of an epic nature..so..yeah...too.close.for.comfort.

Future Times:

Looking at my commodities and futures reports, and gleaning much info from rouge economists and fringe watcher alternative news folk...the way we deal with, have access to, acquire good fresh garbage-free food is in danger of shifting in a way we are too terrified and in denial to imagine...

all the more reason to plan and dump the energetically manifested -bulky -flesh- dress...because when it comes down to survival..know one really cares if you are fat, what your skin color is, who your parents were, or what faith you practice...right? everything becomes CRYSTAL clear and that economy of E-motion kicks in...

And all signs of the coming future tells me the Zombie Apocalypse is not as far off as we thought...so...yeah...there needs to be a system reset and overhaul completed in the next 10 months...I feel the pressure from all sides.

I am listening now, Universe...I get it...the Hunger Games are here...we are poised for an Empire failure...so...what do we all do to strengthen, prepare, and be in the best place we can be to be in peace about what is possible, and change the story>


We focus on our Self  Love, Self Care and keep our hearts open to hear the wisdom from within, and then act on it.

the acting part...that is the scary piece sometimes...right?

William Shatner...look out Fat Diva is in the house...

Pray for me, gentle readers...pray for us all.

Read this awesome article and follow instructions...

Hey humans!...go out and do better

http://jezebel.com/5908787/being-mean-to-fat-people-is-pointless-a-good-old%20fashioned-plea-for-civility

From The Universe...and the Dreamtime.....a Warning? Message? Words To Live By?

Raven says -

Overcoming.
A moment of pain.
A lifetime of pride.
Row Hard.

How Duran Duran saved my life & Other Stories

I loathe exercise for exercise sake.

Have I mentioned this? I am sure you have noticed...it is not my thing.

Let me tell you a story about my life and Duran Duran.

Duran Duran saved my life.

Now I am sure you are thinking, "Fat Diva? how is that possible? Do you even know them?Met them? How can a 32 year old pop rock band from Birmingham , England have saved your life? Come on now...you're being ridiculous!"


well, dearest reader, maybe I am. ...ridiculous......shit ...we are ALL  ridiculous, so allow me to be so in my own ri-DIC-ulous way...

I discovered the Fab Five in the wee summer days of 1981...and then went to 4-H camp (like you do) and met one of my lifelong besties Ms WhiskeyMarie..and she TOO loved the DD Squared ...so..along with listening to their music, drooling over every Teen Beat,SMASH, Tiger Beat, etc  magazine of them we could get our hands on...oh! and every video, we are obsessed. We even celebrated the guys birthdays together...thousands of hours of dancing to their tunes and we had every intention to someday meet them, they would then fall madly in love with us (me=John Taylor, WhiskeyMarie= Roger, her sister = Nick..and we all wanted Simon too...Andy...Andy is just...Andy...) and then we all get married...yeah...cuz it was TOTALLY possible in our brains...go dreaming! We even convinced our mothers to drive us 3 hours from Northern MN to the Twin Cities to see the Seven And The Ragged Tiger concert at the Roy Wilkins Arena when we were barely freshman in high school...good times those were...(sigh)

At this time in the Fat Diva lifepath, I was starting to go from gawky teen, all legs and these new boobs....having been thin as a rail my whole life thus far...to starting to "fill out" in places, and gain weight as I had grown so fast between 7th & 8th grade..9 inches in 13 months...very painful...very hard as a teenager to deal with the public bullying and mean-ness of children at that age...it was a physical and emotionally tumultuous time...AND ... my parents marriage had also started to fall apart (great timing there, Universe) Hence... my gut reaction was to "keep everything and everyone together by sheer force of will"

so naturally.....food and music... became my dearest confidants.

I would lay in bed at night, listening to my cassette player...my precious Duran Duran albums...memorizing every bass line, every lyric, every synth pad, and drum fill...and often would just get up in the middle of the night as my body vibrated...to dance like a crazy child all over my bedroom..as quietly as I could living upstairs in an old farm house..and imaginaning a glamorus world of being a pop star...how I wanted that so badly.

It was in these nocturnal rampages of the mind and body, that I chose to follow the path of being a musician...somehow.

As I was quietly dealing with the dissolving of my parents relationship, my brothers deepening sadness and anger locking him away from me,preparing for college and "what are you doing with your life?" questions bombarding me from everywhere,staying on honor roll, involved in every extra curricular activity that did not require having a penis, I kept the feeling of my secret plan deep inside and clung to it as my Senior Year approached.

circa 1986: The band was growing apart..like my parents...and I was devastated that I was losing everything. My body was not what I hoped it to be, boys were friends with me, but I was clearly not fuckable..oh!...but my best friends were...."could you set me up with so and so? Sorry you have loved me since 4th grade...not interested".....tragic in a DeGrassi Junior High way, isn't it? (tho truth be told, I was not a sexually motivated teen..I was more about the idealism of romance and what relationships are SUPPOSE to be...according to my Harlequin Romance books and the glossy magazines...sex was too messy and who could even understand where things went and why? Not like kids today...but that is another topic.)

So my self identity and connection to my physical body were eroding at this age. I was active in 3 sports a year, was CONSTANTLY working out in some fashion with volleyball, basketball, and track...yet my body just kept moving to "thicker" and the stamina was not ever "coming to fruition". It was a no win situation of utter hopelessness and grief for me...

WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH ME? I asked every freekin' day....seriously

I have since learned a LOT about hormonal imbalance ,stress, DNA, etc and it's toll on the meat suit...

There was never a time that  I thought "This is it! I do not want to be here anymore...screw this place, I am out of here" But ...there was a lot of deep sadness.

I remember once, at about 16 years of age...being curled up as best I could be in the front doorway of our house, which is now a closet (lol) and sobbing like a child. My Dad found me and asked what I was crying about...I told him that I was "too tall to live" and everyone called me things like "moose" and "freak" and I just did not want to go back to school (which BTW I was a kid who LOVED school) His response was "well...., we could just cut your legs off...and then it will be resolved." Imagine my hurt shocked teenage face as I said " well, THAT'S ridiculous!" and Dad said.."Exactly" and left me there to think about it...

Go Germanic practicality....blargh

So I started to wear my Duran Duran love like armor. Many friends from high school, or even non friends, all think of me when they hear Duran Duran anything..so they have told me over the years...because my identification with this band was so strong.

They were (and are) mysterious, sensual, sexy, intelligent, talented, deep, glamorous, wild, smart,.... and all of these things were qualities of Being that I wanted to be...so I clung to them for dear life...literally.


I have recently become enamored with Duran Duran's new album "All You Need Is Now". I play it aloud and dance around my loft...which ...for over a decade...I have not danced for joy unless ambushed (see previous post on Sept trip) and I am doing this daily for the length of the album (47 minutes) which in the end...turns out to be a nice workout if I keep moving the entire time as I sing and spin around.

The fuzzy children think I am insane..but I also have realized..I have a shit ton...literal shit ton ...of music I have not listened to in ...FOREVER!...so...if I listen to my entire library ..averaging 45 min  start to finish...I find myself NOT bored...and just moving my body because it is fun...

THIS is an action I can stick with.

Not putting any expectation on this other than joy, movement, and re-acquainting myself with my CD library and getting some ME time..which is rare these days, and needs to become COMMON

yeah..."because it is fun" is a new mantra for me. I have always made fun things happen for me, for others around me, but the last decade or so..I lost that somewhere...so now...(ahem) ."I reclaim thee FUN..you are mine".

so..as I was saying....Duran Duran saved my life once...and now..they are doing it again