2016. The Year The World Fell Down...a Story of Healing

Hey there blessed peeps...this is a doosey long post....hope you have your coffee....

Fat Diva has a lot to say in the next few weeks. Striving to make blogging about all that occurred for me.. and the world stage... in 2016 and 2017 thus far....it is immense.... a large part of it is my healing process.

Process is a demanding thing. It is also about discipline, of which, I have lost the art of...if I even had it to start. I would like to believe that in times in my life thus far,  I have been a far cry better at it than lately.

I really do not know where to begin in my download, so I will just back up to the start of 2016. ...triggered by the significance of the day I started writing this post..... Jan 10, 2017. (Not to actually finish and post until Aug 15th...but please.... read on, gentle readers)

Part I - January 2016 to March 2016
                        ENTER THE YEAR OF THE FIRE MONKEY...
ps....(I fucking loathe simians...as a rule..)
           
Today (1/10/17) marks the 1st anniversary of the death of David Bowie. A year ago today...the World started to fall down for me as well as the rest of this Blue Marble called Earth....

As The World Falls Down-David Bowie

Bowie's death.... It rocked my world... as it did for so many.... because his being ill with cancer was very private for him. We are just finding out that he was fighting it with hope until 3 months before he died, the doctors said treatment was no longer working. So David, the iconic super human that he was..still forged ahead and finished recording his 25th studio album....released on his 69th birthday...2 days before he would leave us.....

He was and remains..epic. My favorite quote of his as an artist is posted below....

The loss of this iconic artist sent a shock wave around the globe.... and his new album "Blackstar" would quickly sell millions and it spoke to us all as his love letter to everyone, about facing Death and being glorious anyway. As it should be....we so do not deal at all with the Death process here in the Western world...we must get better at it.

But we all slogged through our post Winter holidays stupor, and the staggering Bowie-sized hole in our collective Soul.... here in the US...the political machine was spewing forth vitriol that was the 2016 Presidential race  ...paving paths toward the Nov 2016 elections....the numbing of America began as our daily social media exposures fed us all the dirt being thrown in the air as everyone lumbered to the finish line...

February came ...and we were all still exhausted and tired.

I had not seen one of my Beloved Besties, Ms Chefanie, since early December due to our schedules. We had scheduled a date for mid Feb, but she asked to reschedule to see her other Bestie...asking me to understand..which I did...and sadly....we never got to reschedule.

On February 28th, 2016...my beautiful beloved sister friend returned suddenly to the stars she came from and my, and my Tribe's world, was shattered into a countless number of pieces.

The Most Beautiful Star I Know

Sadly, dearest reader...I have been through this losing of a Beloved many times in my middling young life thus far....many of our youngest have crossed over WAY too too young, Stephanie included. As a person who dedicated myself long ago to being a Valkyrie, a Death Maiden..I have had some practice with this whole bearing of the Chosen to the Rainbow Bridge gig....does not make it easier..but it is a calling...that is for sure.

Stephanie had contracted pneumonia, which was racing around the Twin Cities that Winter like a gruesome specter...taking young, old and everyone in between. I myself had been dealing with a chest plague for over 4 months..coughing a rib out of place that felt like I had punctured a lung ..which meant I was not with my family for the Dec 2015 Winter holidays.

Five days after Stephanie was taken, my Tribe turned to me and said..."Ok..enough...YOU ARE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL...Like NOW"

I had zero insurance, but I did not argue. I figured,,,..I would get diagnosed...get antibiotics, and go home. The ER was rife with respiratory distress folks. 12 hours later,  at 230am....it was determined I was going to be emitted into the hospital.

The Hell? Thankfully, my dearest chica, TangeeLaLa was with me to make sure it happened... as I was feeling against the idea....then I was informed.

2 ER DRS:  " Ms Fat Diva....you do not have pneumonia...you are on the razor edge of Congestive Heart Failure. Your heart is going on strike and your lungs are filling with fluid...cuz...you have no blood inside you...and so...you are shutting everything down." (while I am being blood transfused)

ME: "Um....so what are you saying Drs? "

THEM: (quiet look between them) "That is was a blessing you came in today...because another sleep would have been tragic"

ME: (looks at TangeeLaLa) " So....for real? (She nods) ...well....Fuck."

5 days in the hospital saw 3 blood transfusions to move my hemoglobin from "5" to above "7" ..which for me to go home had to happen.... an upper endoscopy, a colonoscopy, an echo-cardiogram, an ultrasound of my legs, chest, external scan of uterus (tried the internal..Gandalf said "None Shall Pass") and finally an iron transfusion...cuz evidently having your stored iron being at "4" is very bad.

Meanwhile, we are all still reeling from Stephanie's death ....so I am on the phone a lot with peeps helping figure out end of life stuff, how to go through some of her possesions to find needed things, and assist her beloved hubby...who also was recovering from pneumonia and had just lost his SoulMate... I was prone to crying at weird times, hanging with my Tribe that were always in an out (thankfully), calming my Mother down (she is up North and we told her not to worry about coming down yet) ...not sleeping due to tests and blood letting...and watching a lot of Law & Order and Criminal Minds on the hospital TV.

Have to say, receiving help getting on Medical assistance was amazing and EVERYONE I came in contact with at Regions Hospital in St Paul, MN was BEYOND AMAZING.....truly the best hospital in the Universe. BEST. I was so so blessed to be there. My Tribe rallied around me so epically...I am truly the luckiest Fat Diva in the Cosmos to be so blessed with such friends. Truly grateful.

My echo showed an enlarged heart, but they felt it was heal-able with no lasting damage if I got on a CPAP asap,  and got my iron up. The Hematologist Tribe still could not figure out why my blood was disappearing...so on to OBGYN stuff once out of hospital.

It would not all hit me until after I went home March 9th. I fiercely hugged my cats, Ioalus and Joxer..who were so very upset I was gone so long..sobbed for many many hours ....and tried to get back into a rhythm of Life again..slowly...because I still had zero stamina and breathing was exhausting...and the Grief Monster was present.

Made OBGYN appt asap to see about trying to look into my whoo-ha and talk about a BIRT birth control device to stop the uterus from shedding and retain my precious blood lifeforce. Since I was not interested in having children....ever...I was fine with that plan. My external ultrasound showed a thickening in the uterus lining, but they wanted to scope up there and see what was going on.

Now..I had to go to the hospital for that with my OBGYN cuz..hella no...I do not even go in my whoo -ha...knock my ass OUT and do all those things like measure and IUD and scope around...oy.

So April 27th...all that happened...there were some polyps found and a fibroid...all removed...but everything else looked fine and IUD was successfully placed...and so I waited for the test results.

May 4th, my OBGYN calls...

DR: (via phone)  " Hello, Fat Diva..I have some news. Test on fibroid was benign, but all 10 polyps came back as Stage 1, possibly 2, Endometrial cancer. I am so sorry. (silence from me) Are you ok? of course you are not ok..what a dumb question..I am sorry. I have referred you to Dr Teoh at the Cancer center Regions, and she will see you next week to go over options and get you on a plan..I am so sorry. Good luck"

ME: " Um...(choking sobs) thank you for your call"<click>

(insert shock here)

Now, as SUPER SUCKY as this news was....I was wailing a good ten minutes ...pissed at The Powers That Be because we had a deal that there was to be NO CANCER in my world. My maternal Grandmother died at 35 of breast cancer, and it broke my 13 year old Mamma right in half...so there was always this discussion going on between me and the Divine. Ichsnay on the canceray.

The SUCKIEST part? Calling my beloved Mamma, and telling her that I had cancer.

yeah....That....SUCKED....TOTAL....ASS. My Mamma is the greatest most precious thing to me in the whole Universe, and her crying is not acceptable. Booo.

So as everyone who has cancer does, I called in my Tribe for the total Woo-Woo Package VIP DELUXE, and we journeyed down to the Mighty Mississippi banks to pray on a rainy Dark Mooned night before I met the oncologist. Stood in the river, was baptized in holy water and prayed hard and fierce to cure my whoo-ha. That coupled with Dr's first option of trying hormone therapy first, via the IUD they already had in me, and the first plan was laid...

I started gathering my thoughts about WHY I had cancer in my whoo-ha...started the journey to energetically nailing what needed to be done...

And this healing process was also a big dose of Forgiveness.

We, as Humans Being...really do not grok forgiveness...as a rule

It and Love are really the vibrations of all the vast Infinite Cosmos.. we just struggle so much with them. Giving and getting. Allowing and releasing..

We pretty much suck at them both. But...when we DO excel at them...we are glorious.

These days....for sure....I am shooting for much more "glorious" in my subjective reality.

And here we shall end this chapter for now....and  look forward to our next coffee clutch together soon.

Be glorious, dear readers. I love you. Hearts are strong and can heal...have Faith.

Fat Diva

Hey there peeps,

I am doing a thing...Over on the Facebook's...please come be a member in sacred dance space and pick up the challenge for your Self Love, Joy and Healing...I triple dog dare you....

Fat Diva Dance Challenge 2016

Description :

Fat Diva challenges you to dance every day on film for 1 min and triple dares you to share it here. Be happy, shake your asses, heal yourself, and heal our world...one fantastic minute at a time...

as inspired by the page "Danse avec moi, une minute par jour's" by Christine in Quebec

Note-This is a CLOSED group so we can create and manage SACRED and LOVING Space for members to have support in overcoming body hatred and healing from trauma and Life experiences. 

This space is intended for ZERO judgement .... Haters will be transmuted....

Naked Hammer Time....this is bad ass...

as a former shot putter and a State qualyfying discus thrower...this is inspiring me to refocus on my body...

enjoy


click here for bad ass naked fat chica

Let's Talk About Painted Vaginas

Did I get you with the cleverly worded title ? Yes? No?

Wait! Don't leave yet!  I promise ...I DO talk about vaginas..and painted ones.. eventually...but first...

Let's talk about The Intentional Creativity Movement.

I was blessed to discover the revolutionary work and art of Shiloh Sophia McCloud in early December of 2012. It was so incredibly surreal to me, I actually FELT the Universe leading me there by the heart strings..and plugging me into something I am to be involved with next. Not only was her work gorgeous, and Divine Feminine based...but it was in joyous alignment with the work I was doing in my tribal circles with the power of Sound/Sonics and teaching the womens' to open their pie-holes and sing ...

(How to find out more about Shiloh Sophia McCloud-Lewis and the Cosmic Cowgirls:)
Shiloh's Work
Cosmic Cowgirls info

Flashback December 2012....here was this amazing access to this amazing work. I was signed up to start doing something I have been TERRIFIED of doing most of my life, (which was painting)...and I was all ready with my canvases, paints, brushes etc...and then I lost my dear soul brother Adam less than 3 weeks later....and the devastation was beyond epic.

I tried..I tried to use the creative process to aid me in staying afloat in the tsunami of grief and loss..so so close on the heels of losing my father less than 11 months before that..

In theory ,  it would help me right? IN theory and IN fact...articles upon articles of proof that the creative process is beyond healing, and useful to recover from a plethora of ailments of the body, mind and spirit...for fuck sake... I TEACH this shit ...but I could not jack into it to help me ...WTHell?

Part of my year long absence was tied up in this quandary. And in fact..my entire world started to shut down...my mind, my physical body, my spirit..as if I was chasing my soul around trying to keep it in the air like a slowly deflating balloon...and in the end..about October of  2013...I had to call it and stop everything creative and otherwise in my life...or I knew I would not be here very long...because things had to drastically shift...

So after an 18 month period of denial and just existing ..barely.. lots of numbness and doing  'next to nothing" which for me is bizarre and not normal...I slowly started to crawl back to the creative side of myself...but in very, very small pieces...

In working toward studying the Color of Woman Technique with Maestra Shiloh Sophia,  I am currently enrolled in her The Red Madonna series where we "slow paint" one piece over the course of the Lunar year. I started this journey with smaller classes like The Mary Magdalene and Visionary Woman...but this current course is  a very deep shamanic and spiritual journey where I am challenged to ask myself questions like "What is my story I am telling myself about WHO I am ?"

Deep stuff..

And it all ties into the Self Love and Self Worth factors that my physical body is unraveling . I can not express the importance of doing this work being vital to my very ability to draw breath..and it has been very very potent and sometimes arresting in its intensity...when I just have to lie down on the ground and be fetal for a while as I process the digging around and releasing of ME.

And the hardest part is that is takes as long as it takes. It IS what it IS and there is no making it "''GO faster and happen less messy...it just IS" ...and that is a state most humans avoid with every atom of their Being because it is terrifying..

... we paint lots of vaginas ..or portals... from the Cosmic Mother to get ourselves prepped for the process of painting with the breath of The Divine running through us..and i super suck at it right now.. which is new for me in a creative endeavor..as I usually pick up on stuff fast..but this painting thing... S L O W to learn, but I am obsessed with becoming more than GOOD at it eventually..

So the slow crawl toward the Me that IS has begun and I am working with a wonderful nutritional therapist to help me with the physical and energetic body stuff.... hard doings, but each time we work on the issues is one baby step closer to healing myself.

This is most likely the hardest work I have ever had to do, and I have done some pretty hard stuff in my 45 years... but this is the most important...for sure.

so that is an update of sorts. I will post some progress pics of paintings as we get going on them..

it is all about the growth...right?....

Fat Diva is Alive. Film at 11

Truly..I am still here...though there have been some very close calls.... I can not BELIEVE it has been nearly a year since I last posted...literally one day short of....

MY

BAD

So so so much to tell...and I am committing to making it here minimum once per week so I can get back on track with the blogger world as I build up that thing.

So looking forward to sharing with you, Universe...though..you already know EVERYTHING....don't you?

Living in the Molasses Swamp...just south of the GumDrop Mountains

 Burnout teaches you what it takes to be splendidly human, wondrously creative, and intrinsically you
~ Leonie Dawson  www.leoniedawson.com

Hello there, dearest ones.....Fat Diva here.. working through the piles of pain and anguish to look up, weakly smile, and let the world know I am endeavoring to persevere...I would stake a flag in every millimeter of ground had I the strength to do so...

We are dealing with a complex health crisis...new to the mix...thyroid issues...no...we are not at all surprised...recent conversations with the Mamma about childhood-ness helped clue us into some work to be done there..oy...very very complicated to unravel.

So far we are looking at a layered cake effect of Body Sadness :

Acute Insomnia ( for over 3.5 months now)
Adrenal Fatigue
Leaky Gut Syndrome
Candidia
Thyroid (not sure if hypo or hyper at this point)
Pagophagia (iron anemia that leads to obsessive ice chewing...I know...weird...and bad for teeth..which are also sad)
Restless Leg
Acute menses cramps (though regular last 8 months for first time since 8th grade...win?)
Depression ( I know.... you are shocked)

Oddly, and thankfully, my chronic migraines have been fewer the last few months

I am in the process of some hair analysis being done and some bloodwork tests to get the factoids together so we can figure out a nutritional and supplemental plan. Thank Goddess for the interwebs and the research that can be done, despite having to wade through tons of not true crap...it is something we are blessed to have access to.

The question of which crisis to attack first is what we wait for..I have been stabbing around, thinking I knew which way to go, but the persistent and rude companion of Insomnia is starting to make my brain far less rational...and the id/ego- monsters roaming unchecked in the Inter -Realms of the Fat Diva are queuing and rumors are ...they are looking to unionize.

So we fight them off hourly and hope the abundance angels are able to heed our prayers for energy tools so we can choose wisely and execute wiser plans of recovery better..

I am thankful for the support circles I have, we are keeping each other on the road..though sometimes the vehicles are careening too near the edge....

In the mean time, much self reflection, reconstructing of neuro-pathways, oodles of kitty snuggles, ignoring of domestics, and lots of bone broth, ginger tea, and continuing to decrease the sugar, gluten and dairy input...and we sleep when we can and just work at being gentle with the Self...that is a shattered creature that we are hoping the bits of brightly colored threads woven to and fro...with lots of glitter to cover up the mushy parts... will suffice.

May you find more Self Love in your day than ever...we all need it to thrive.

Love
Fat Diva

Dross, Dross and more Dross

Hey dear readers...jsut a short blurb of Fat Diva's shenanegains...

I am in acute adrenal fatigue...

yep...... I figured out why I have been so sick..at least part of it...also need to give up gluten...which sucks, but have done it before...but is a process on its own..so I am sleeping...alot

alot alot alot

 I am using the energy of this Mercury Retrograde in my Sun Sign of Scorpio to look at patterns, jettison lots of dross...did  I mention alot?

like epic shit tons of alot...epic epic epic...

so I will come up for air here and there, but know I am am kicking the stuff out that does not work..and I expect a few pounds will release as well..becasue we all know.. our emotional and mental body feeds our physical one..and all layers need a serious enema or cosmic colonic


how about you? if you do not deal with it now...it will literally kill you..and I love you you..so don't die...ok?

check it out..

Cosmic Path website

later peeps...get it done

love
Fat Diva